My Journey Out of the Darkness

The last time I posted was December 10, 2013.  The time since were the darkest days of my life to date...and I hope they will never be surpassed!

I was diagnosed with depression by my Gynecologist, whom I've seen since moving back to Chattanooga in 1998.  After the prodding of many close friends and family, I started taking a prescription anti-depressant.  It seemed to be helping for awhile, but on a subsequent follow-up visit, the doctor determined I needed more.  I didn't disagree with him, because I was truly drowning in a darkness so heavy and thick I really didn't see ever being able to come out of it.

With no end in sight for the circumstances I was living, I was believing in this pharmaceutical to at least help me cope...and I was really hoping it would make me numb and oblivious to what was happening around me and to me.

With the increased dosage came increased side effects.  My hands were shaking so badly I couldn't even take a clear picture with my phone or apply eyeliner or mascara without poking myself in the eye.  I woke up one morning with my thigh covered in bruises, even though I hadn't fallen or bumped into any furniture.  The bruises were an ugly reminder of the bruising going on in my heart.

I wanted to walk out.  I wanted to leave my marriage.  I wanted to stop being a mother, a daughter, a friend.  I wanted to quit.

Crying.  Wailing.  Slamming my fists on the floor in anguish and anger.  Falling apart in public and having to be practically carried to the car.   Hyperventilating.  Friends had to remind me to breathe. In such hopeless despair at times I would claw at the skin on my face.  Sometimes it would last for hours.  Finding myself driving somewhere, turning off my phone and location services and crying until there was nothing left in me.  This is not abundant life.

It eventually got so bad, I started googling ways to commit suicide that didn't require pain or a gun, because I'm not a fan of physical pain and we don't own any guns.  The majority of my waking hours were spent thinking of how death would be a sweet escape.  The only thing that kept me from it were the consistent texts, calls and visits from dear friends and my family, whom I didn't want to leave with that kind of scar.

Who was this person?  I certainly didn't recognize her AT ALL.  I felt like a foreigner had evaded my body and my thoughts.  Although I never questioned God's love for me, I did question the healing I  had experienced through Him.  Was it all a joke?  Was the ministry I had led others in for almost 6 years a joke?

I knew all the "right" things to say to someone in my position.  To be honest, they all sounded fake and pointless on this side of the curtain.

On an unusual day of clarity I realized the medication was not working, in fact, it was making me sick.  Prior to the medication I hadn't dreamed of dying.  Killing myself had never been an option.  I am normally a quite grounded person, even in the midst of conflict.  I usually can think and think well.  I realized I had to come off of this poison I was putting inside me.  Much to my hubby's chagrin, I didn't call the doctor, but went to google.  I researched the best way to wean myself from the particular anti-depressant I was taking.

It was through the detox process I realized just how poisonous this medication was to me.  I experienced full on drug withdrawal symptoms.  The shakes became worse, not just my hands, but my legs too.  I had headaches and vertigo and nausea and panic attacks.  Just when I thought I could go a day without a pill I'd have to resort to quartering one, just to make it stop.

At the tail end of my weaning process I had an appointment with my primary care physician.  The reason I chose him was because of his stance on pharmaceuticals.  Instead of writing a script as the first course of action, he writes them as a last resort.  His philosophy is if you give the body what it needs to come into balance, it most likely will.  I like that!  As I sat in his office and described the last 4 months of my life he immediately recognized I was dealing with a hormonal issue.  I am, after all, a  42 year old woman...some changes were inevitable.  He diagnosed me as peri-menopausal and was quite confident that with the right balance of hormones, I would be my old self again soon.  He also congratulated me on how I had weaned off the drug, he said I did it text book perfect:)  Although I do not recommend anyone come off their meds (of any kind) without a doctor or pharmacist's counsel;)

After I finish this blog I will be going for my follow-up appointment.  It's been a little over 4 weeks since I started hormone treatment.  I feel emotionally amazing!  The only trace of depression left is in my physical body.  My physical body still hasn't caught up yet and from what I've read in my research that could be a process that could take up to a year or more.  Most days I need to lay down around 3:00 and I still have trouble staying asleep at night, which is typical when your body is trying to rid itself of excess cortisol.

This post isn't an advertisement for essential oils, but most of you know I have fallen in love with Young Living's oils.  Instead of using the compounded progesterone cream my doctor prescribed, I am using a naturally derived serum.  Since using it, no night sweats, no hot flashes and no panic attacks out in public (or in private, for that matter:)  I swear by the benefits of Frankincense for balancing the mind and emotional center of the brain!  I inhale it often throughout the day.

Now, time for disclaimer!  I'm not in any way bashing pharmaceutical treatment of depression.  I have seen people need them in order to cooperate in their healing process.  My doctor even said, if we need to try a different anti-depressant we will, but let's try hormones first.  It's just my experience with the meds was so horrible, to be honest I would have had a hard time even experimenting with another...thankful it didn't come to that.

A couple weeks ago I sent a message to my prayer support group saying, "I am back!"  I wanted to wait a little longer before proclaiming that here, but it is safe to say, "I AM BACK!"  I know without any doubt, the inner healing I have received from my Papa God over the course of the last 9 years has been 100% legit!  I have no guilt and have shut the door to condemnation for not believing in His healing for me over the last few months.

Have my circumstances changed?  No.  Almost daily I come face to face with things that could cause great pain.  It is my choice to remain in my Papa's love for me and although these things sometimes shake me, I'm able to come back and rest in His arms.

If I've said it once, I've said it hundreds of times...I do NOT believe God sends sickness, but oh how I believe He turns EVERYTHING meant for my harm, for my good.  Through this process I have a much greater understanding of unconditional love.  I hope going forward when put in the place of counselor to someone who has walked through what I walked through that I will ooze the compassion and mercy of my Jesus.  No more trite answers from the books, but true compassion and love.  LISTENING.  Oh, how I've learned, listening is the greatest gift you can give to someone who is suffering from depression.  You don't have to fix them or give them answers.  Just be there.

So thankful that my soul is once again singing!  And ever so thankful for HORMONES!!!!

I'm not ok...

This post is going to be raw.  It's going to be real.  I know I preface many posts with that disclaimer, but really, I mean it this time:)

I have a confession to make.  I'm.  Not.  Ok.  There, I said it, I'm not ok.

Yes, I have Jesus.  Yes, I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Yes, in my weakness, He is strong.  Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Yes, I know them.  All of them.  But what if reciting all the scriptures in the Book on the subject of joy don't "do" anything to change how you feel inside?  I'm there.  And it's time I shared with you, especially those of you who feel like you're there too.  There is NO SHAME for the believer who is suffering from depression!  It's ok that I'm not ok.

I can not go into my circumstances, but truth be told I've been depressed for several months.  I just recently came to grips with it in the last few weeks.  My husband has known and hasn't said a word.  My 13 year old daughter is constantly telling me to smile, apparently, according to her, I always look sad.  I'm not trying to look sad, I'm just not very good at hiding what is on the inside.  Crying is almost a daily occurrence and I've NEVER been one to cry.

"How are you doing?"  Such a common question upon greeting someone, especially here in the south.  It's not a question I ask very often.  So, if you are reading this and I ask you this question, IT IS BECAUSE I TRULY WANT TO KNOW and I'm willing to wait around and hear your answer...good, bad or ugly!  Here lately, I've not been good with giving the expected reply, "I'm good, how are you?"  Depending on the depth of our relationship, I've been honest in my response from, "I'm ok, but not great" to "I'm not so good."

If you know me, you know I'm passionate about helping people see who they are in Christ.  I am passionate about Grace, freedom in Christ and living in our identities as sons or daughters.  Let me tell you, it's really easy to have faith when there is nothing in your life requiring you to have it...but, when you need it the most, your faith all of sudden FEELS very inadequate and weak.  A good friend reminded me a couple of weeks ago where my faith comes from...and you know what, it doesn't come from me...and that's a good thing!

Life is hard.  This is true. But at the end of the day, I know in my heart these things are the greater truths:  God is good.  God loves me...unconditionally...period.  God is NOT disappointed in me.  This current me is NOT who I am.

Why am I sharing with you this very personal struggle?  Because I know many of you struggle with it too.  God has given me a voice, it's part of my calling and I can't stand by and keep silent about this subject because so many believers struggle with depression.  Unfortunately there is such a stigma attached to being depressed for the believer.  Aren't we suppose to have it all together?  Maybe the religious think so, believe so and are so deceived into believing that they do...but I'm here to tell you, you don't.  You don't have to have it all together.

So, what's my plan?  I am focusing on wellness; body, soul and spirit.  Jesus already paid for my wholeness on the cross.  In reality, I am WHOLE.  But until the natural lines up with what is already true in the spiritual I will focus on taking care of myself...through holistic approaches and medical ones.

I am truly thankful for those of you who have showed up on my doorstep within minutes of receiving a disturbing text/call from me.  Those who have given of your time just to come sit with me and encourage me and listen to me.  Those of you who have held me as I weep, snot and all...reminding me to breath.  Without the help of several dedicated friends, I doubt I'd have a larger than life Christmas tree lit and decorated in my great room!

I would love your prayers.  I'm ready to be well again.  I'm ready for my soul to sing again.

Receiving an Abundance of Grace

There's a lot of fuss over the resurgence of the Gospel of Grace these days.  Titles such as "Radical Grace," "Hyper Grace," "Greasy Grace," and "Sloppy Agape" have been assigned to the Grace message to warn people of the danger...well, I have some opinions on this topic, but instead of refuting the message of Grace (I'll leave that to the Apostle Paul, which you can find in the book of Galatians;) I want to share with you how Abundant Grace has transformed my thinking and how I will never be the same because of it.

A verse I am keeping ever before me in this current season of life is Romans 5:17, let's take a look at it:

"For if by the one man's offense death reigned through the one, much more those who RECEIVE ABUNDANCE of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ." (emphasis mine)

There's much going on this verse, but for today I want to focus on the word "abundance."  Let's look at this word in the Greek.  It is the Greek word "perisseia" pronounced "per-is-si'-ah."  

According to AMG Publishers "Hebrew-Greek Study Bible" this word is defined as "super abundance, abundance, superfluity."  One of the synonyms for the word is defined as "huperbole" where we get the word "hyper" from.  It is defined as a "throwing beyond others, supereminence, pre-eminently-abundance (far more) exceeding, excellency, more excellent, beyond (out of) measure."

I don't know about you, but sign me up for hyper Grace!  

The other word that is standing out to me in Romans 5:17 is "receive."  Now, I could list the definition of the word in the Greek, but it's lengthy...for the purpose of this post let's leave it as "to take."  

I am absolutely UNDONE at the revelation in this verse...if we want to reign in life we are to RECEIVE ABUNDANT GRACE!!!  It's not something I do, or you do; it's something Jesus already did on our behalf!!!

You know what else Jesus took care of on our behalf?  Sin.  Yet, we still struggle, don't we?  I'm currently struggling with the sins of worry and fear.  What replaces fear?  Perfect love.  Who is perfect love?  Jesus.  So, let's filter that through Romans 5:17.  What is my position in order to reign in life?  Receive abundance of His Grace and in my particular situation, His perfect love.

I love the late Dallas Willard's definition of Grace.  He says, "Grace is God acting in our lives to accomplish what we cannot do on our own."  Here's another Willard definition of Grace, "Grace is the personal presence of Jesus, enabling or empowering you to be and to do-All that He called you to be, All that He called you to do."

In my strength, I can strive all day long to overcome fear and it will NEVER happen...how do I know?  I've tried.  I've tried as recently as yesterday!  I come up short every time and back to where I started, actually, usually worse than when I started.

Grace doesn't just barely cover it, Grace covers it abundantly...more than enough!  He is a "more than enough" Papa!!!

Do you want to reign in life?  I do.  There's Grace for that...do you receive it?  I am convinced that right believing leads to right living.

Pray with me, "Papa, I thank You for the gift of Your Son, Jesus.  I thank You that because He sacrificed in my place I can reign in life.  I thank You that because of Jesus, I am righteous.  As I become more aware of this truth, I am empowered by Grace to be all that You created me to be.  I thank You for being a generous Papa, there is no lack in You.  I thank You for the divine exchange, it's more than just life for eternity, it's life here and now.  Today I choose to RECEIVE Your abundant Grace and receive the promise of reigning in life. In the name of Jesus, AMEN!"

Katy Perry, I See Jesus in You!

This past Sunday I had the pleasure of hearing Paul Manwaring speak in Atlanta.  He posed a thought provoking question, "If you've been born for such a time as this; what time is it?"

His message had many points, but he made one statement, in particular, I just can not get away from and it is this:  "If we (the Church) remain silent, people will find relief from somewhere else."

For the last several years I've been on a journey of discovering the heart of Papa God.  I've said it before on this blog, I think His heart has been grossly misunderstood by His children.  We then have turned around and mis-represented His heart to the world...the world who so desperately needs to know the unconditional love of the Father.

Through this journey, I have learned to challenge the status quo as defined by the Church.  Just because I've heard something taught for years and through multiple sources doesn't mean I take it as truth anymore.  I have become a student of Holy Spirit, viewing the Word through the lens of Jesus.   I now look at the Word of God looking for Jesus and He is in every word, both Old Testament and New and I must say, He is BEAUTIFUL!

If your my Facebook friend you may know I recently posted a link to one of Katy Perry's new songs, "Unconditionally."  I hear the heart of Papa in it and I know that although Katy is very confused about many things, this song was inspired by Holy Spirit.  It is full of truth.  So, I bought her latest album on iTunes.

Some of the songs I automatically hit skip, because quite honestly they are full of sexual innuendo and just don't make me feel good.  Not judging anyone who listens to them; they're just not for me:)

There are three songs which have my attention on this album and I want to focus on one of them in this post.  This post is going to be lengthy, hope you stay with me.

The name of the song is "It Takes Two."  Let's take a look at the lyrics:

"Is Mercury in retrograde or is that the excuse I've always made
'cause I wanna blame you,
But I can only blame myself

Yeah, it's easy to throw you under the bus
I'll call you crazy, while I'm filling my cup
I say these things to hurt you
But I only hurt myself

Oh, I can only take responsibility for me
It takes two, two sides to every story
Not just you
I can't keep ignoring
I admit half of it, I'm not that innocent, oh yeah

It take two, two sides to every story
Not just me
You can't keep ignoring
But let me be first baby to say "I'm sorry"

I face my demons, yeah, I paid my dues
I had to grow up, I wish you could too
I wanted to save you, but I can only save myself

Oh, I can only be the changing one to see
Yeah, I can see

I point my finger but it does me no good
I look in the mirror & it tells me truth
Why all these lessons always learned the hard way
Is it too late to change"

Ok, here is where my opinion is probably going to be different than most.  I don't know Katy, but I have a sense she is a believer in Jesus.  I think she bought into lies that led her down a path of destruction and poor choices.  What I see in some of her songs is a young woman coming back to what is true and who she really is, a much loved daughter of Father God.

Is her life messy?  No doubt.  Has she bought into the Hollywood scene and fast life that comes with it?  I think that is obvious.  Unlike most of us, she doesn't have the luxury of anonymity.  Her journey is out there for all the world to see.  Instead of looking at what Katy is not, I choose to look at her how heaven sees her.

If I want to see Christians bashing other Christians, current pop stars, entertainers and even ministers of the Gospel, I don't have to go any further than Facebook.  I think it's time we look at those who have influence in a different light.  Instead of bashing them and saying they are going to burn in Hell, why don't we choose to see them as Father God sees them, because my Bible tells me He loves them!  And, gasp, dare I say it, pray for them?

Let me tie this back into my opening quote from Paul.  Our children and our teenagers are looking.  They are seeking and unless they are living in a cave (good luck with that, btw) they are most likely looking to Hollywood for their direction.  Looking at what will make them acceptable among their peers and even looking for counsel through song lyrics (yeah, that's scary, isn't it?)

"If we (the Church) remain silent, people will find relief from somewhere else."  Silent about what?  Silent about the goodness of God, redemption, forgiveness, life, to name a few.  Oh, Christians are plenty vocal, but it's time we use our voice to speak and impart LIFE!

I want to dissect the above lyrics a little.  I'm not going to go into each line, but a few that stand out to me.

"I wanna blame you, but I can only blame myself."  Katy, how about we don't blame anybody?  Instead why don't we take responsibility for our words & actions and clean up our messes?

"I say these things to hurt you, but I only hurt myself."  This is truth.  When we hold onto unforgiveness, hate and bitterness, they eat away at our souls.  They weigh us down, not the one we harbor the feelings toward.

"Oh, I can only take responsibility for me."  Truth!  Truth!  Truth!  On your very best day, you have control of you.  You can not take responsibility for anyone else, unless you want to be co-dependent, which I don't suggest at all.

"But let me be first baby to say "I'm sorry."  Good advice.  I often tell engaged couples that is the best marriage advice I have to give them.  Say you're sorry even when it's not your fault!

"I wanted to save you, but I can only save myself."  Yes, you only have the power to save yourself by choosing to believe in what Jesus did for you.  You don't have the power to fix or save anyone else, but you can show them Jesus by your words and actions, making Him lovely to those who need Him.

"Is it too late to change?"  NEVER!  You, reading this that believe it's too late for you, let me be the one to share with you, it's NEVER too late with Jesus.  And, you get bonus, because He promises to use what was meant for your harm to your good.  Want proof of that?  Go read Romans 8:28.

Bottom line, the Katy Perrys of this world are influencing our children, we can either criticize and turn up our religious noses; or we can believe for her return.  Like the father in the Prodigal Son, I want to throw her a party!

Hmmm...Miley, you are next!

The Gospel of Grace has radically changed me.  I hope to share more about that with you soon...in the meantime, I encourage you to look for Jesus everywhere...He's not limited to the pages of the Book and this is just one more reason, My Soul Sings!

He. Still. Moved.

I can not pass up the opportunity to sit down this afternoon and write a short blog, sharing with you how my Daddy God blessed me with a realization this morning. 

Last week I asked a person this question, "What's more important, your commitment to Christ or Christ's commitment to you?"  In my opinion, Christ's commitment to me is far more important than my commitment to Him.  Religion would teach us our commitment is of most importance.  Personally, I don't want anything to do with something that is dependent upon my performance or lack there of.

Like most of you, I have issues in my life I am laying before the Father.  One area in particular I seem to volley back and forth with trusting God and picking up the worry/concern and trying to bear it in my own way.  When it is at His feet, I am at peace.  When I try to control or fix it, peace is far from me.  I place a high value on peace, so its' absent strongly impacts many areas of my life.

Aside from the one area I am continually having to surrender to Daddy, less weighty issues (in my estimation they are less weighty) pop up from time to time.  Such a situation arose this past week.  In all honesty the situation was a frustration to me.  I prayed about it and even thought it might be an area in which He was refining me.  Not wanting to miss the opportunity for an upgrade in my thinking, I told Him what was on my heart.

I'd like to say my attitude was all peachy, sunshine and roses, but it wasn't and you know what?  He.  Still.  Moved.  Not only did He move, He moved in the way I asked for Him to move...stinky attitude and everything.

As I was laying in bed this morning, He gently reminded me He was completely trustworthy and faithful.  It was then I realized He was building my faith in Him, to be able to trust Him with greater things in my life...you know, the one I keep laying down, picking up, laying down, picking up!  My heart filled with thankfulness and love for my Daddy God!

He's totally able to move in that situation too...after all, His commitment to me is far stronger than my commitment to Him...BUT, the more I realize His commitment to me, the more I rest in it and the more I rest in the finished works of the Cross and Grace, the more fruitful my walk becomes...not because of me, but all because of Him.  Resting in Him today, awed by His faithfulness and this is why My Soul Sings!

Parenting and The Gift of Time

"The greatest gift our Father gives us is His presence. The greatest gift we can give our children is ours." 

Parenting.  It's a sensitive subject and there are a vast number of opinions on the topic.  I've shared my opinions and parenting style of choice in blog posts past.  

I've made my fair share of parenting blunders.  I've done a lot wrong, but I would like to think I've done more right.    There will always be areas I wish I had handled a situation differently, spoken a little more softly, reacted a little less abruptly, etc.  But I don't believe in living in regret.  Regret will eat you up, rob you of today, the present, and the gift of the now in front of you.  Don't live in regrets.  Trust me on that one.

So, instead of regret, I look at how I can do things differently going forward.  This is where the opening quote struck me right between the eyes.

How many times has one of my girls wanted my undivided attention and I responded to them, "just a minute, I'm busy," "I need to make this phone call," "we'll do that tomorrow,"  "you can tell me later," or "not right now, I've got laundry, dishes, dinner, etc to do."  My younger daughter often asks me to watch a show with her.  I oblige her request with my physical presence, but I sit there and scroll through social media sites on my phone or answer e-mails from my laptop.  She comments.  I make excuses.  Eventually she stopped asking.  Sigh.

When my girls were younger, I was a fanatic about my house being clean.  If it wasn't clean I got grouchy (ok, some things haven't changed)...having a clean house and everything in order was my priority.  In hindsight I wish I would've ignored the sink full of dishes, dusty baseboards and piles of laundry and spent a little more time on the floor coloring, playing Polly Pockets, Thomas the Train, and dress up.

I heard a statistic (I don't know the source)  this generation of teens is the loneliest, most depressed generation ever.  After spending some time with this generation, I can testify to these facts.  In our busyness we've left behind the fundamentals of family time, dinner around the table and other relational family activities.  We've lost our relational connectedness as a result.

Father God is always available.  He doesn't have to check His calendar or pencil us in.  If I have something I want to share with Him or talk about, He is there and the best listener I know!  As I have stated in previous posts on parenting, I want Father God to be my parenting model.  

I want to listen more to my girls and comment less.  I want to disconnect from social media, ministry and the "to-do list" long enough to be completely and totally PRESENT for them.  I want to give them the gift of my time...because let's be honest, time is a gift, not a commodity we can buy.  

No matter what your parenting style, I think we can agree, time is something all children need.  Are you giving your children the gift of your presence?  If not, start today!

In the Shower with Jesus

Hopefully the title of this post doesn't offend anyone, because if truth be told; and you are a believer, you are IN CHRIST and there's no where you go that He doesn't;)  I had a shower epiphany this morning.  Now, you guys can count yourself blessed I don't share all my shower 'epiphanies' in blog posts.  The shower seems to be the place where He speaks to me the most often.  Occasionally, He will awaken me from sleep during the night, but I don't always get up and listen.  He knows me well; so, in the shower it is:)

This morning's insight was so seemingly random.  I suppose the timing might become clearer to me in the days to come, but if it doesn't, I'll just count it as an insight He wanted to show me 'just because.'  He can do that, ya know?  Just because He loves talking to us!

He took me back to the junior high lunch table and some remarks a boy a year older than me said to me, more than once.  The comments were rude, degrading, explicit, sexual and a direct assault on my physical body.

This wasn't a totally new memory for me to re-visit.  When I went through inner healing this memory surfaced and I forgave the boy for his disparaging remarks.  It's a healed memory; I can know this because the thought of it doesn't bring any pain.  It remains part of my history, but it no longer defines who I am.

As I was picturing the setting in my imagination the question struck me, "why did I continue to sit at lunch with this group of people?"  I honestly can't remember any of the other 'players,' just this one offensive (older) boy and his remarks to me.  I can only assume we had mutual friends, which placed us at the same table, because I know for certain there were no assigned seats.

It was like Jesus was showing me this picture, but He wasn't really saying anything about it.  This is when I realized I would not put myself in that situation currently.  I wouldn't continue to expose myself to someone who didn't respect me.  Would I be kind to them?  Yes.  Would I go out of my way to reach out to them?  In the words of my 16 year old, 'probs not.'  Would I sit at the lunch table with them?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

I think Jesus wanted me to see how far I've come, from self-hatred and no value or respect for myself, to healthy boundaries with those who don't see me for who I really am.  From a victim mindset to one of an overcomer.

A victim doesn't see their worth.  They don't expect to be respected by others; because, quite frankly, they don't respect themselves.  I've said this many times, but it bears repeating...one sets the standard for which one can receive love/respect/honor.  To the degree you love/respect/honor yourself is the degree others will love, respect and honor you.

In the case of this boy at the lunch table, for years his remarks rang through my head and I believed them to be true.  In reality, they were quite false.  From his remarks I formed the belief of many other lies, escalating in depth from the one he spoke over me.  Do I blame him?  Nope.  You see, we choose what to believe.  Sure, as a young teenage girl I was more vulnerable to deception than I am now, but still, it was my choice.

Not really sure why I'm sharing this with you today.  It's always my prayer that what I share will bring hope to someone currently struggling with where I've been.  It's just another way I relish in trampling on the work of the enemy:)  What he (satan) meant for my harm and destruction, Papa God turned into a platform for me to share truth.  Oh, the redemption and restoration of my Papa God makes MY SOUL SING!