I'm not ok...

This post is going to be raw.  It's going to be real.  I know I preface many posts with that disclaimer, but really, I mean it this time:)

I have a confession to make.  I'm.  Not.  Ok.  There, I said it, I'm not ok.

Yes, I have Jesus.  Yes, I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Yes, in my weakness, He is strong.  Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Yes, I know them.  All of them.  But what if reciting all the scriptures in the Book on the subject of joy don't "do" anything to change how you feel inside?  I'm there.  And it's time I shared with you, especially those of you who feel like you're there too.  There is NO SHAME for the believer who is suffering from depression!  It's ok that I'm not ok.

I can not go into my circumstances, but truth be told I've been depressed for several months.  I just recently came to grips with it in the last few weeks.  My husband has known and hasn't said a word.  My 13 year old daughter is constantly telling me to smile, apparently, according to her, I always look sad.  I'm not trying to look sad, I'm just not very good at hiding what is on the inside.  Crying is almost a daily occurrence and I've NEVER been one to cry.

"How are you doing?"  Such a common question upon greeting someone, especially here in the south.  It's not a question I ask very often.  So, if you are reading this and I ask you this question, IT IS BECAUSE I TRULY WANT TO KNOW and I'm willing to wait around and hear your answer...good, bad or ugly!  Here lately, I've not been good with giving the expected reply, "I'm good, how are you?"  Depending on the depth of our relationship, I've been honest in my response from, "I'm ok, but not great" to "I'm not so good."

If you know me, you know I'm passionate about helping people see who they are in Christ.  I am passionate about Grace, freedom in Christ and living in our identities as sons or daughters.  Let me tell you, it's really easy to have faith when there is nothing in your life requiring you to have it...but, when you need it the most, your faith all of sudden FEELS very inadequate and weak.  A good friend reminded me a couple of weeks ago where my faith comes from...and you know what, it doesn't come from me...and that's a good thing!

Life is hard.  This is true. But at the end of the day, I know in my heart these things are the greater truths:  God is good.  God loves me...unconditionally...period.  God is NOT disappointed in me.  This current me is NOT who I am.

Why am I sharing with you this very personal struggle?  Because I know many of you struggle with it too.  God has given me a voice, it's part of my calling and I can't stand by and keep silent about this subject because so many believers struggle with depression.  Unfortunately there is such a stigma attached to being depressed for the believer.  Aren't we suppose to have it all together?  Maybe the religious think so, believe so and are so deceived into believing that they do...but I'm here to tell you, you don't.  You don't have to have it all together.

So, what's my plan?  I am focusing on wellness; body, soul and spirit.  Jesus already paid for my wholeness on the cross.  In reality, I am WHOLE.  But until the natural lines up with what is already true in the spiritual I will focus on taking care of myself...through holistic approaches and medical ones.

I am truly thankful for those of you who have showed up on my doorstep within minutes of receiving a disturbing text/call from me.  Those who have given of your time just to come sit with me and encourage me and listen to me.  Those of you who have held me as I weep, snot and all...reminding me to breath.  Without the help of several dedicated friends, I doubt I'd have a larger than life Christmas tree lit and decorated in my great room!

I would love your prayers.  I'm ready to be well again.  I'm ready for my soul to sing again.