Wives, let's talk about SEX!

I'm giving this blog post a MW rating for "married women." This post will contain mature content intended for women who are married, or about to get married:)

Warning, if you're a TMI* offends me type of person you might want to fore go reading this one...but you're also probably one who needs to read it the most.

As women of faith we've got to get a hold of this one, girls! Forget religiosity and let's get honest. Marriage is under fire! We don't need to be reminded of the divorce rates and the statistics showing the rates are just as high, if not higher, among believers as non-believers. The world is looking to the body of Christ for answers and solutions, but we can't give them when we are just as ensnared in the problem as the rest of the world! What's part of answer? Hey, it may be ALL of the answer...SEX, healthy, God glorifying, marriage enriching, SEX!

I could spend time talking about how God created sex for a husband and wife. I could talk about how the enemy has perverted sex or how our mindsets are skewed on the subject because of media, pop culture, music, etc. But, that's been done already and, really, is it getting us anywhere? I am a find a solution type of girl...after all, the problems have been well identified.

So for this one, let's agree to talk like close girl friends. Wives, I'm hear to tell you to give it up and give it up often! Yes, I just went there! Seriously, every three days is what experts tell us men need!

I can hear the excuses flying through cyberspace as I type this....girls, I've made them myself. I tried the "not tonight, the baby was really clingy today and I'm all touched out." Then the babies became a tween and teen and bedtimes aren't 7:00 anymore and the excuse became, "we can't do that; the girls might walk in on us."

Then, of course, there's the excuse my emotional needs weren't being met, so why meet his physical ones. If only he would...you fill in the blank. It doesn't matter the excuse, they are all rubbish. EXCUSES WON'T IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND THEY DEFINITELY WON'T SAVE IT!!!!!!

I don't have all the answers as to why God made men so sexual, but He did and we can either whine about it or embrace it. I'm hear to encourage you to embrace it.

Now, let's get a couple of things out in the open...as if this post wasn't open enough! First, I'm not perfect in this department. Second, I want you to know this message is to women in safe marital relationships. If you are being sexually or physically abused, get help and get help now.

My Soul Sings is a place where I get personal with you and this post is more personal than most. I must tell you, sex is the ticket to getting your needs met. Some might read that and think I am a proponent of manipulation. I am not. I detest manipulation. I would like to invite you to see it as sacrificial and unconditional.

Wait a second, Amy...you just said sex was the ticket to getting your needs met and turned around and used the words sacrificial and unconditional? The word unconditional by definition contradicts this statement. Yes, you are right, it does. Let me explain...

If you are a wife whose emotional needs aren't being met, it would be a sacrificial act of unconditional love on your part to meet the needs of your husband physically. Unconditional love is love with no strings attached.

Which brings me to what I must say next. If you want your way I'm here to tell you griping, complaining and berating your man isn't the way to get it. You're only making the gap between the two of you larger and larger. I've met some couples where the gap is so wide it takes a great commitment and hours of counseling to bridge it...sadly, many end in divorce because the gap seemed to large to bridge. After years of decay they opt out because they want relief from the pain and years of needs going unmet.

No amount of browbeating will bring about positive change in anyone. A negative on top of a negative doesn't equal a positive. That's a whole other topic for another day:)

So, what if...just what if, regular tumbling between the sheets brings out the best in your man? You'll never know, if you don't give it a try.

I'm chuckling at what I'm about to share with you. My sweet hubby gets used as an example so many times. He's good with it. I'll even read this post to him later.

This past weekend the girls weren't home. We had some things to accomplish around the house and also planned a date night. Life is incredibly busy right now and I love it when we make it a point to spend time together. If you're familiar with the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman you can probably tell quality time is one of my love languages. I also blossom with words of affirmation and acts of service.

Russell spent Saturday afternoon taking the blinds down in each room of our house. He took them outside, washed them and hung them back up. He also cleaned all the windows, from the inside and the outside. This was his idea. I hadn't asked him to do it. SCORE! This would be an act of service.

Saturday night we had dinner with some friends at a lovely restaurant overlooking the Tennessee River. SCORE! This would be quality time.

We came home, snuggled and (use your imagination here:) SCORE! This would be physical touch.

Sunday morning came and he informed me he had picked up a gerber daisy (my favorite flower) and potted it for my table on the patio where I sit in the mornings to enjoy coffee and quiet time. SCORE! This would be receiving of gifts.

Later in the morning he looked at me with loving eyes and told me how awesome I was. SCORE! This would be words of affirmation.

He was one happy pappy. His needs were met, my needs were met....and the whole family benefits from the atmosphere of love in the house. This also brings security to our children. It sends the message mom loves dad and dad loves mom...we are safe.

What I don't want you to take from this post is you can be a vixen in the bedroom tonight and expect diamonds and roses tomorrow. It takes time and consistency, but it's so worth it!

A dear friend and I were talking about sex the other day. She said, "Amy, to them (our hubbys) sex is like oxygen." It's true. Obviously we can not live without oxygen...perhaps to the male species, they can't "live" without sex. All I know is my hubby is tends to be less frustrated, more at peace and generally more pleasant when we are having sex regularly.

I may sound like a broken record, but again, you are only in control of you. You can only control how you respond to life's situations and challenges. A healthier, more fulfilled you is on the horizon as soon as you stop looking to others to meet your needs. It can start with letting your husband off the hook. Will you take the first step? Will you make the sacrifice? You might possibly end up enjoying it!

For those in sexual bondage or suffering with guilt from their sexual past, there is help and there is healing. Sexual sin is almost always the fruit of a deeper rooted issue...a way to medicate the pain or unmet need. If you struggle in any of these areas, I invite you to check out the inner healing ministries offered here.

If you've enjoyed this post and would like to read others like it go here, here, here and here.

I only issue challenges I'm willing to take myself...girls, let's do this one together! My Soul Sings because God thought it not good for man to be alone so He gave him woman. Embracing my role as wife, encourager, life giver, friend and most importantly, LOVER!

*TMI-acronym for too much information

Sarcasm Exposed

"Ever been engaged in a conversation with someone and you were attempting to disclose your deepest feelings only to have them deflect your sincerity with sarcasm? Their response to your disclosure was exposure."

This quote is taken from a blog post I read yesterday by Randall Worley. It spoke to my heart so poignantly I shared a link to it on my Facebook. I have been mulling it over in my heart and mind ever since. I wanted to share with you what Holy Spirit has revealed to me through the words given to Randall.

Someday I hope to blog about a concept I will refer to as spiritual mirrors. In short a spiritual mirror is something the Lord uses to reveal to you something about you that needs refining to look more like Jesus. It is a mirror because it is usually revealed to me through another person. What you find most aggravating about someone's personality is sometimes a mirror to something you also do. OUCH! Yes, I know, it hurts.

Randall's post on incessant sarcasm is a spiritual mirror for me. Allow me to explain. I have often been hurt by sarcasm. Maybe you have thick skin and aren't effected by sarcasm. Not me. I am a feeler and my vulnerability and transparency can often leave me as a target for what Randall refers to in the opening quote as "disclosure exposure."

I could end this post here and it would be enough, but there is more and I would be remiss not to be vulnerable and transparent with you. I would like to be able to write that I had only been a victim of sarcasm, but alas, I am afraid this is the "mirror" part...I have also been guilty of dealing out my fair share of incessant sarcasm. Yes, I have hurt others in an attempt to make myself more comfortable. OUCH!

To those of you reading this post that know me, if I have hurt or offended you with sarcasm, please except my sincerest, most heart-felt apologies. This is an area I have now submitted to the Lord for refining and pruning. It is never acceptable to use sarcasm to bring pain, one-upmanship or to avoid being "real."

A friend shared with me the Greek word from which we derive the word sarcasm from:

σαρκάζω (sarkazo) which means 'to tear flesh.'

Has your heart ever been torn by sarcastic comments? Have you been guilty of wielding such comments that tear flesh? I think most of us could answer yes to both questions, although some have more of a struggle in this area than others.

Randall is the type of blogger I hope to become someday...he blogs almost daily and his blogs most always invite me to contemplate deeper things with God. I invite you to check out his blog, but be advised he isn't your mainstream pastor/writer. He goes deep into the things of God...often times making one question theology so readily accepted in the mainstream church.

Going deeper with God makes My Soul Sing! Now, if you dare, go read the post that inspired this one here.

At the Foot of the Cross

When is the last time you visited the foot of the cross? Was it at your salvation? A weekend retreat? When someone you love was very ill and needed a miracle? After a moving sermon during an altar call?

For me, it was yesterday morning. No frills, no pomp, no moving sermon or fancy worship service...no manipulating pastor with good intentions to move his flock closer to Jesus. No, none of that, just a hurting heart and a need to lay it down at His feet.

I knew I was hurt, even angry. What I didn't realize is I needed to forgive. A phone call from a sweet sister who asked the question, "how are you?" was all it took for the waterworks to begin. My reply, "I'm a mess." She asked, "what are you a mess about?" Me, "I don't know."

I got my breath and then my heart started to speak. The issues were soon defined and out in the open. Her reply, "well, Amy, you know the first thing you are going to need to do is forgive."

Really? Forgive? Something I walk people through on a weekly basis and it hadn't even crossed my mind I needed it in my own situation! Yes, we really do need the body (of Christ) to guide us along the narrow path when our "stuff" (aka baggage) is blocking our ability to see and hear God's direction for ourselves. Forgiveness is exactly what was needed.

Holding on to un-forgiveness will almost always block your intimacy with the Father. Now, if you aren't intimate with Him to begin with, you may not be able to relate to that statement. Building an intimate relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit has been my life purpose the last few years and I definitely recognize when there is a block.

There is nothing more discouraging and frustrating then feeling I can't connect with Him. When all I can pray is, "oh, God" and it is seemingly quiet on the other end of the dialogue. Because that is what prayer should be, a dialogue, between you and Him. If we stay focused on ourselves and our "stuff," prayer will be all about our needs/wants and we will completely miss out on the relationship He wants with us. If we are focused on Him, it will be a time of dialogue. He will speak to your heart. One of the goals of *inner healing* is to develop this kind of intimacy with our Daddy.

Where were we...oh yes, forgiveness. So, as I sat at my kitchen counter with my cup of coffee, I started to forgive, "I choose to forgive (name here) for (offense here) and how it made me feel (list of feelings/emotions tied to the offense.) I cancel the debt they owed me to (what they should have done/or my perception of what they should have done, or not done.) Lord, I break agreement with any judgments I made about them and ask you to forgive me. I release them from all my expectations to meet my needs. I turn to You, Father God, to meet my needs and heal all my pain. In Jesus Name, Amen."

I went through this process for each person and then heard the Father gently say, "forgive yourself." Yeah, right! God, I really need to go brush my teeth and get ready to leave for my appointment this morning...catch that self forgiveness later, okay?

I went about my business and couldn't get away from the gentle nudge of Holy Spirit saying, "forgive yourself."

Knowing I wanted my peace back I complied, reluctantly. It went something like this:

I choose to forgive myself for being hard on myself, for resenting myself for allowing this situation to come between me and Papa God. I choose to forgive myself for punishing myself with verbal condemnation and condemning thoughts. I choose to forgive myself for not accepting God's forgiveness in this matter, by making a choice to hold onto the pain. I choose to forgive myself for speaking curses over myself and those involved. For losing my patience and yelling. I choose to forgive myself for opening the door to the enemy in my life, even though I know better! I choose to forgive myself for going to bed angry. I choose to forgive myself for not trusting God to work this together for my good. I choose to forgive myself for setting standards that are too high for me or anyone else in my life to meet and for withholding love because they don't meet them.

Ugly, huh? See why I needed to verbalize that and lay it at His feet?

So, again, I ask you, "when was the last time you visited the foot of the cross?" In inner healing circles we call this "doing kingdom business." DKB is a lifestyle. It isn't just for those moments of intense emotional pull mentioned at the beginning of this post. As soon as Holy Spirit brings it to your mind, you need to make the effort and the choice (oh, it's definitely a choice.)

More often than not it will be done in the presence of One, perhaps at your kitchen counter, maybe in the car, in your quiet time...although there are times when you need the body to come along side you and be your eyes and ears.

James 5:16, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

If you've not experienced this power in prayer maybe it is because you have isolated yourself. You've tried to handle it quietly, on your own and without the support of others. Maybe you're ashamed, embarrassed, or afraid. It's why I wrote this post. I want to share with you the freedom that comes with transparency. Light exposes darkness...every time!

None of us are perfect. Releasing pain, un-forgiveness, sin, etc. is part of every Christian's walk. There is no condemnation in it, only healing, forgiveness and FREEDOM!

I invite you to the foot of the cross...a place of restoration and redemption. To listen to a song about the foot of the cross go here and listen to this beautiful song by Kathryn Scott.

Releasing and receiving forgiveness at the foot of the cross makes My Soul Sing!

*Inner Healing* If you are interested in receiving inner healing or learning more about what inner healing is, please visit Growing in Grace Ministries website at www.iggm.org. Check out the Sozo ministry link. I invite you to come and experience freedom, healing and deliverance!

All you had to do was give it to Me

It has been awhile since I've written a post that is one part confession and one part exhortation:) I pray the Father speaks to you through this personal revelation.

My husband and I joined a small group. It met for the first time last night. This isn't your typical "new" small group because many of us were already in covenant relationship with each other. This level of intimacy allowed us to skip over the formalities and awkwardness of getting to know one another and get right to business. We each were asked to share up to three prayer requests.

As I listened to those who went before me I was thinking of what my requests would be. My thoughts went to several on going prayer needs within my family, but I knew none of these were what the Lord was wanting me to share with the group. He wanted me to get personal and share my heart.

Ironically, it took me awhile to realize what the concern of my heart was. I didn't go to the meeting thinking anything was weighing heavy on my heart. In hindsight I realized I couldn't have been more wrong!

My turn to share came and out of my mouth came an earnest desire of my heart. It was a mama's cry. I can not share the details, but just know it was a burden, one I didn't fully realize the weight of...

We had a time of prayer and left agreeing to lift one another up in the days and weeks ahead.

As I was driving my younger daughter to school this morning I noticed a shift. The very thing I had shared in my request was different this morning. Hmmm? I thought to myself. It was then I heard His voice, "all you had to do was give it to Me." Ding, ding, DUH!

For a brief moment I entertained the condemning thought, "how could you miss that, Amy?" I was quick to go back to the revelation my Daddy had given me...

"All YOU had to do was give it to Me."

"All you had to DO was give it to Me."

"All you had to do was GIVE it to Me. "

" All- you- had- to- do- was- give- it- to- Me."

I consider myself an intercessor. I love to pray. I love to listen for His heartbeat; the heartbeat of heaven and release what I hear the Father say into the environment around me. I love to intercede on the behalf of others. But what I had missed was a personal need. What I realized is I had tried to "fix" it myself. Trying to cope in my strength. How I know this doesn't work! DUH! "All you had to do was give it to Me."

It wasn't that I didn't think God cared about this need, or that He was too busy...it just wasn't on my radar until I spoke it out...when I heard my voice admit to the group this issue was robbing me of peace I knew the gravity of the issue. Living in a place of His peace is something I jealously guard and voraciously treasure. "All you had to do was give it to Me."

In my heart I know the prayer is answered, it's a done deal. The situation is back in His capable hands because I have removed mySELF out of the equation. The burden is where it was meant to be all along...at His feet. He gave me His easy yoke in exchange for my weighty burden! (Matthew 11:28-30)

Perhaps you are reading this and He has brought an issue, situation or need to your mind. Have you given it to Him? Maybe you have given it to Him only to pick it back up? Hopefully you are able to lay it down and leave it at the foot of the cross, remembering there is no limit to how many times you can do so. If you feel like it's been a seemingly never ending cycle, shake off any condemnation and lay it down again...and leave it there. "All you had to do was give it to Me."

Papa, I thank You. I thank You for being accessible 24/7/365. I thank You for longing for me to come to You with the heaviest of burdens and the smallest of burdens, because in Your eyes they are equally important. I thank You for placing me in a community who generally cares about my well being. I thank You I was designed to live in community where transparency brings healing. You are a good and loving Father. You long for me to depend on You, trust in You and come to You. My Soul Sings because all I had to do was give it to YOU!

*If you are personally struggling with a burden and want a safe place to share, I would love to pray for you. You can send me a private message by Facebook:)

When the sadness comes...

I set out when I started this blog to be real. I'm a pretty real person anyway, but there is something about being real with those you know and being real with an internet audience that takes it up a notch, eh? There is also a difference between being real about events of the past and being real in current situations. It's now time for me to be real about the here and the now. It is my desire to be HOT, honest, open and transparent...but it isn't always possible when the situation involves more than just myself. I must honor those in the story, besides myself and that is the case in this post. So forgive the lack of details, just go with me here. This will be about what to do with the sadness, not what caused it.

The last two days I have battled with some pretty intense sadness and grief over some news I received. I am a firm believer in what the enemy intended for bad, God will use for good...and this is the reason I am sharing my heart on an issue that is still very raw and current. I invite you to share this post with those grieving or battling depression and overwhelming sadness...maybe, just maybe, my journey will give them a glimpse of hope.

I spent all of yesterday mourning, grieving and processing the sadness that seemed to have overtaken me. I longed to pray, but didn't have the words. I longed to worship, but there wasn't a song in my heart. I longed for the presence of God to overwhelm me with His love...so I did what I could do and I sought Him. I spent some time reading in the gospels, chapter upon chapter, following the ministry of Jesus. I have to tell you, it felt like I was with Him and that is exactly where I wanted to be. But even then I still felt the sadness was consuming me and I didn't like it at all.

Later in the day my mentor and dear friend called to check on me. During our conversation she gave me permission to grieve. It wasn't until she said, "Amy, it's okay to grieve" that I realized I needed permission to do so. I had been beating myself up all day over what I thought was me allowing the sadness to consume me. I started questioning my strength in the Lord...was I a complete sham? Was I all talk about the joy of the Lord being my strength? When the rubber meets the road could I still maintain my joy, freedom and peace in the Lord?

Maybe you are there with me and you need to hear, "you have permission to grieve." There, I just gave it to you...permission...to cry, to weep, to wail, to mourn, to lament. If you need further permission consider Ecclesiastes 3:4, "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."

Grieving doesn't mean you are any less of a Christian. God recognizes there is a season for grief. But, and here is where I'm going to get into your business (aren't you glad it's in the privacy of cyberspace?) Grieving should only last for a season. Now, I'm not going to define the length of a season, because, honestly, I don't know what the length of a season is. Perhaps it differs for each individual. I don't, however, feel like a season is years. If you've been grieving for years, friends that isn't healthy, nor is it God's plan for you.

I Thessalonians 4:13 tells us we aren't to grieve like the rest of men(unbelievers) who have no hope. Praise God, grieving is only for a season because of the hope offered to us in Jesus Christ!

I don't know how long this season will be for me...hopefully not too long. I gave my friend (mentioned above) permission to slap me silly if I lingered in sadness for a undue amount of time. Which brings me to my next point. We each need to be in relationship with other believers who will hold us accountable, not only in other aspects of our Christian walk, but during seasons of grief. Surface relationships who smile and tell us everything will be okay are not the kind of relationships that will pull us up from the miry pit. If you don't have people in your life who will "slap you silly" you need to get some!

Those of you reading this know which category you fall into...those needing permission to grieve or those needing to be "slapped silly." I pray whichever you are, the Holy Spirit is speaking to you. It's quite possible you are in neither category but you know someone who is and you are in the position to help them. Seek God's wisdom in the matter, He will show you if that is the case.

I love the divine exchange found in Isaiah 61:3, "and provide for those who grieve in Zion to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

One of my favorite authors and pastors, Bill Johnson has a quote I just love. It goes something like this, "you can possess as much of God as you are willing to jealously guard." Those of you I know personally know I am passionate about the freedom and joy found in my relationship with my Papa. I will not stay in an ungodly season of grief, because I jealously guard the JOY and FREEDOM my Jesus bought for me on the cross....it was a costly gift and I treasure it deep in my spirit...and this is why My Soul (still) Sings in the midst of the sadness!