Mediocre to Magnificent Part Two

I'm back! I know you are all dying to read part two:) Don't you just hate it when you read a good fiction book that is part of a series and you have to wait until the next one to find out the end of the story...Karen Kingsbury series come to mind. I read one in less than 24 hours and can hardly wait for the next one to be published. Well, that was back in the day when I read for entertainment, who has time for that anymore?

Gasp, did I just compare my little blog series with a Kingsbury novel? Pretty bold and assuming of me, eh?

Now, where were we...oh yes, marriage, my marriage to be exact.

In the last post I talked about how I realized in order to bring life to my marriage I had to do something with myself. I not so sheepishly told all you readers you are only responsible for you. Really, I can't stressed that enough.

Many times in talking with women who are struggling in their marriages their focus is on their husband. If only he would..., if only he would say..., if only he would do..., if only he wouldn't do... You can fill in the blanks. Ladies, you can not change your husband. No amount of nagging, begging, pleading or change him prayers will work. God gave us each free will, any change made is our choice.

Russell and I attended a marriage seminar this past weekend. It was phenomenal! If you ever have a chance to attend a
"Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" by Mark Gungor do it!

Mark talks about how to relate to your spouse, not turn them into another version of yourself. I wholeheartedly agree! In essence we are asking the question, "why can't you be more like me?" Making our spouse into another us is not the way to a better marriage.

After several years of walking through inner healing and aligning my thoughts to God's truth, I actually like me. Russell no longer has to tip toe through my emotional minefield on a daily basis which has changed the atmosphere in our home. A happy and fulfilled wife makes for a happy home...at least most of the time:)

So, how did we get here? Let's talk about some of the principles in play in my marriage that may spark some revelation in yours.

* First and foremost, find your fulfillment and identity in Jesus Christ alone. No man can ever fulfill your heart...to expect one to do so is setting yourself and the relationship up for failure. It is humanly impossible for any person to meet all our expectations. Releasing others from your expectations not only sets you free, it sets them free.

* Take your hurts to Jesus. Your husband can not fix you. Sure he can bring you comfort and support, but ultimately Jesus is the only one who can heal your pain.

* Work on you. Allow Jesus to mold you and shape you into His image. Hope you're not counting how many times I've said this:) It really is a key ingredient.

* Respect your husband. Never cut him with your words. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. This doesn't mean you can't express how you feel. You can and you should. But never put him down in order to make your point or in an effort to get revenge. Never intentionally accuse him or berate him. VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

* Encourage him.

* Appreciate him and tell him often how much. Determine his best qualities and praise him in those areas.

* Sex...you knew it would come up eventually. Ladies, men NEED it!!!! Never withhold sex as a means of revenge or payback...it's just plain selfish to do so. Believe me, there was a time I was highly selfish in this area.

* Never berate your husband to your children. They need the security of knowing you love their father. Also remember you are modeling to your daughters what a wife should look like. If you nag your husband, they will learn this behavior and most likely will someday nag theirs. Husbands (if there are any out there that have read this far) remember you are modeling to your sons what a Godly husband looks like. Dads to girls you are modeling what a husband looks like to your daughters...treat them like royalty and they won't settle for second best, selling themselves short. Behavior is learned, not taught...what are your actions teaching?

* Never go to bed angry. Seek reconciliation first. Even if you are right (or think you are right:) in an argument or disagreement be the first to bridge the gap. It's just not worth it to let anger fester into bitterness.

* Don't be afraid to say you are wrong when you are wrong. Pride does nothing but build a wall between you and the one you love.

* Put your marriage before your children. Time with your spouse is priority. It is challenging when the children are young, but it will pay in dividends in the long haul. Make it happen!

* Forgive quickly, don't harbor unforgiveness in your heart for lengthy periods of time.


Lengthy list, I am sure you can add to it and make it your own. Since I'm a wife I am primarily talking to wives, but husbands can glean from these principles as well!

It might be a good time to add I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect and our marriage is not perfect. However, we are honestly more in love and more connected now then in all our 18 years of marriage. I give God all the glory, but I also want to brag on my man a bit.

Russell Dover has a servant's heart the size of Texas. He serves naturally, it is second nature to him. He sees dishes in the sink, he washes them. Load of laundry in the basket, he folds it. When our girls were babies he changed many dirty diapers. I could write an entire post on how he serves me and the girls, but I want you to still like me and that might provoke a good dose of envy:)

He has always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. When I have a dream, he does everything in his ability to see it come to life. Making me happy, makes him happy. As I grow and mature in my love for Jesus, and my husband, I live to return this happiness to him. He can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to accomplish and I have a part in that by encouraging him and believing in him.

In the seminar Mark made a statement that most affairs don't begin for sexual reasons, they begin for emotional ones. As wives if we aren't believing in our husbands, being their number one cheerleader, someone else might come in and fill that role. So, get out your pom-poms and 2-4-6-8 who do you appreciate? Your hubby!

Russell makes me feel safe. Ultimately I know my defender and protector is God, but it sure is nice having a husband who models God to me here on earth. When my world seems to be in chaos, Russell helps me put situations into perspective...he keeps me balanced. We are a team.

If you have read this and thought to yourself, well that's just peachy for her, but I don't have this kind of marriage...I want to encourage you that you can. Where to start? Start at the beginning, work on you. While you are working on you love, love, love your man. Die to self and do for him sacrificially. If you wait on him to start the process you might be waiting a very long time.

I Peter 3:1 talks about how wives are to win over their husbands. The context is winning over an unbelieving husband, but the same principle applies to winning over husbands in general. When I started making changes I didn't announce to Russell, "today, you have a new wife. I've decided to turn from being negative and critical to loving and encouraging." No, he would have to see it to believe, so I started walking it out in front of him, winning him over without words. Ladies, I have to tell you, it didn't take long for him to notice or respond.

I don't share our marriage with you to discourage you or make you envious. I share our story to impart hope. Nothing is impossible for God. No marriage is too far gone He can't restore it and redeem it. Perhaps your marriage is good, but you desire it to be magnificent...what are you waiting for? The God of all creation can take you from mediocre to magnificent, ask Him to show you the way!

Spending a lifetime with my terrific hubby, growing in love and grace together surely does make My Soul Sing!