Wives, let's talk about SEX!

I'm giving this blog post a MW rating for "married women." This post will contain mature content intended for women who are married, or about to get married:)

Warning, if you're a TMI* offends me type of person you might want to fore go reading this one...but you're also probably one who needs to read it the most.

As women of faith we've got to get a hold of this one, girls! Forget religiosity and let's get honest. Marriage is under fire! We don't need to be reminded of the divorce rates and the statistics showing the rates are just as high, if not higher, among believers as non-believers. The world is looking to the body of Christ for answers and solutions, but we can't give them when we are just as ensnared in the problem as the rest of the world! What's part of answer? Hey, it may be ALL of the answer...SEX, healthy, God glorifying, marriage enriching, SEX!

I could spend time talking about how God created sex for a husband and wife. I could talk about how the enemy has perverted sex or how our mindsets are skewed on the subject because of media, pop culture, music, etc. But, that's been done already and, really, is it getting us anywhere? I am a find a solution type of girl...after all, the problems have been well identified.

So for this one, let's agree to talk like close girl friends. Wives, I'm hear to tell you to give it up and give it up often! Yes, I just went there! Seriously, every three days is what experts tell us men need!

I can hear the excuses flying through cyberspace as I type this....girls, I've made them myself. I tried the "not tonight, the baby was really clingy today and I'm all touched out." Then the babies became a tween and teen and bedtimes aren't 7:00 anymore and the excuse became, "we can't do that; the girls might walk in on us."

Then, of course, there's the excuse my emotional needs weren't being met, so why meet his physical ones. If only he would...you fill in the blank. It doesn't matter the excuse, they are all rubbish. EXCUSES WON'T IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE AND THEY DEFINITELY WON'T SAVE IT!!!!!!

I don't have all the answers as to why God made men so sexual, but He did and we can either whine about it or embrace it. I'm hear to encourage you to embrace it.

Now, let's get a couple of things out in the open...as if this post wasn't open enough! First, I'm not perfect in this department. Second, I want you to know this message is to women in safe marital relationships. If you are being sexually or physically abused, get help and get help now.

My Soul Sings is a place where I get personal with you and this post is more personal than most. I must tell you, sex is the ticket to getting your needs met. Some might read that and think I am a proponent of manipulation. I am not. I detest manipulation. I would like to invite you to see it as sacrificial and unconditional.

Wait a second, Amy...you just said sex was the ticket to getting your needs met and turned around and used the words sacrificial and unconditional? The word unconditional by definition contradicts this statement. Yes, you are right, it does. Let me explain...

If you are a wife whose emotional needs aren't being met, it would be a sacrificial act of unconditional love on your part to meet the needs of your husband physically. Unconditional love is love with no strings attached.

Which brings me to what I must say next. If you want your way I'm here to tell you griping, complaining and berating your man isn't the way to get it. You're only making the gap between the two of you larger and larger. I've met some couples where the gap is so wide it takes a great commitment and hours of counseling to bridge it...sadly, many end in divorce because the gap seemed to large to bridge. After years of decay they opt out because they want relief from the pain and years of needs going unmet.

No amount of browbeating will bring about positive change in anyone. A negative on top of a negative doesn't equal a positive. That's a whole other topic for another day:)

So, what if...just what if, regular tumbling between the sheets brings out the best in your man? You'll never know, if you don't give it a try.

I'm chuckling at what I'm about to share with you. My sweet hubby gets used as an example so many times. He's good with it. I'll even read this post to him later.

This past weekend the girls weren't home. We had some things to accomplish around the house and also planned a date night. Life is incredibly busy right now and I love it when we make it a point to spend time together. If you're familiar with the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman you can probably tell quality time is one of my love languages. I also blossom with words of affirmation and acts of service.

Russell spent Saturday afternoon taking the blinds down in each room of our house. He took them outside, washed them and hung them back up. He also cleaned all the windows, from the inside and the outside. This was his idea. I hadn't asked him to do it. SCORE! This would be an act of service.

Saturday night we had dinner with some friends at a lovely restaurant overlooking the Tennessee River. SCORE! This would be quality time.

We came home, snuggled and (use your imagination here:) SCORE! This would be physical touch.

Sunday morning came and he informed me he had picked up a gerber daisy (my favorite flower) and potted it for my table on the patio where I sit in the mornings to enjoy coffee and quiet time. SCORE! This would be receiving of gifts.

Later in the morning he looked at me with loving eyes and told me how awesome I was. SCORE! This would be words of affirmation.

He was one happy pappy. His needs were met, my needs were met....and the whole family benefits from the atmosphere of love in the house. This also brings security to our children. It sends the message mom loves dad and dad loves mom...we are safe.

What I don't want you to take from this post is you can be a vixen in the bedroom tonight and expect diamonds and roses tomorrow. It takes time and consistency, but it's so worth it!

A dear friend and I were talking about sex the other day. She said, "Amy, to them (our hubbys) sex is like oxygen." It's true. Obviously we can not live without oxygen...perhaps to the male species, they can't "live" without sex. All I know is my hubby is tends to be less frustrated, more at peace and generally more pleasant when we are having sex regularly.

I may sound like a broken record, but again, you are only in control of you. You can only control how you respond to life's situations and challenges. A healthier, more fulfilled you is on the horizon as soon as you stop looking to others to meet your needs. It can start with letting your husband off the hook. Will you take the first step? Will you make the sacrifice? You might possibly end up enjoying it!

For those in sexual bondage or suffering with guilt from their sexual past, there is help and there is healing. Sexual sin is almost always the fruit of a deeper rooted issue...a way to medicate the pain or unmet need. If you struggle in any of these areas, I invite you to check out the inner healing ministries offered here.

If you've enjoyed this post and would like to read others like it go here, here, here and here.

I only issue challenges I'm willing to take myself...girls, let's do this one together! My Soul Sings because God thought it not good for man to be alone so He gave him woman. Embracing my role as wife, encourager, life giver, friend and most importantly, LOVER!

*TMI-acronym for too much information

Crisis Prevention

I have been reminded more than once this week God speaks our language. He can use the tiniest, most seemingly insignificant detail and use it to reach us. He loves us that much! I even witnessed Him use me in a ministry session to speak the language of the recipient without me being aware of it until after the fact. God speaks and walls come down!

I'm no stranger to hearing God's voice through the mundane things of life. I've even blogged about it here, here, here and here.

This week He gave me yet another picture using something ordinary...nails, my nails, more specifically my chipping, breaking, splitting nails. I recently started having my nails done with a fairly new technique called Shellac. This isn't necessarily critical for you to know, but I wanted to brag on my friend and nail tech, Bobbie Nation. Bobbie has a heart of gold. Sitting in her chair getting your nails done leaves you feeling not only pretty, but well loved:)

I wasn't scheduled to have them re-done until next week, but I was having a crisis, a nail crisis. I sent Bobbie a text saying, "I'm having a nail crisis! Can you get me in earlier?" I had to wait a few days. The thing with Shellac is even though they are your natural nails, the polish doesn't come off with regular remover. Not something I could really take of myself. It was really bothering me that my nails were looking so raggedy:)

This seemingly superficial post is going to get serious...stay with me:)

In the world of inner healing (lay men's terms, healing of the heart (emotional/spiritual) pain) we often receive requests for ministry that are URGENT. This especially happens when people find themselves in crisis mode. They call and want to be seen yesterday.

My mentor, friend and colleague, Vikki Waters, has trained me well in not allowing others' crisis to become my crisis. There will always be someone needing help and boundaries are crucial when you are involved in ministry.

What I have learned is people in crisis aren't always in a place to receive deep healing. The crisis is all they see and they want it fixed. In reality the best time to receive ministry or inner healing is when life is relatively calm...perhaps even avoiding many of the "crisis" times all together.

If I have any males that are reading this blog, which started out like a piece on "Toddlers and Tiaras," I want you to know I haven't forgotten you. Maybe you can't relate to my nail crisis analogy, but you can relate to car maintenance. Simple things like oil changes can PREVENT major vehicle issues down the road. I'm no car expert, but not changing your oil regularly can lead to some high price engine issues, among other things.

Let's put this in a real life scenario of marriage. Marriage takes work. Marriage is an investment. What can happen if you don't invest enough time and energy in your marriage? Potential boredom, loneliness, un-fulfillment (sexually and/or emotionally,) adultery and loss of relationship are just a few issues that come to mind.

How can these pitfalls be avoided? Maintenance, i.e. date nights, weekend getaways, short walks together, regular sex (very important!!!) and a safe environment in which to talk and share feelings openly without fear of being ignored, chastised or yelled at.

Bottom line and the point of this post is to encourage each of you reading this to be prudent. If you are struggling in an area don't wait for the bottom to drop out before you do something about it. Although I believe nothing is impossible for God and it's never too late for Him to redeem and restore, the truth is, when humans are involved there isn't always a willingness or desire for healing/restoration/redemption/reconciliation. Reconciliation takes both parties to be successful.

As I've said before and I will say again...on your very best day, you are only in control of YOU! Which means you can only do something about YOU! Expecting others around you to change to solve your problems will find you waiting a lifetime and will carry with it much frustration.

What are you waiting for...a crisis? I've been in several crisis times myself and they are NO fun. As far as it has to do with me, I want to maintain, prevent and go after what is broken and allow Holy Spirit to do "maintenance" on my heart and avoid crisis as much as possible! And when crisis does comes, because it will, my hope is to be able to handle it with the mind of Christ, from heaven to earth.

I am ever so thankful Papa God speaks in our language. He doesn't pass up an opportunity to minister to our hearts, but the key is, are you listening? I invite you to open the eyes and ears of your heart and look for Him in the mundane, the simple things in life. My Soul Sings because He uses it all, little and big, to bring Him glory and to bring me into a closer relationship with Him! He is so GOOD!

Mediocre to Magnificent Part Two

I'm back! I know you are all dying to read part two:) Don't you just hate it when you read a good fiction book that is part of a series and you have to wait until the next one to find out the end of the story...Karen Kingsbury series come to mind. I read one in less than 24 hours and can hardly wait for the next one to be published. Well, that was back in the day when I read for entertainment, who has time for that anymore?

Gasp, did I just compare my little blog series with a Kingsbury novel? Pretty bold and assuming of me, eh?

Now, where were we...oh yes, marriage, my marriage to be exact.

In the last post I talked about how I realized in order to bring life to my marriage I had to do something with myself. I not so sheepishly told all you readers you are only responsible for you. Really, I can't stressed that enough.

Many times in talking with women who are struggling in their marriages their focus is on their husband. If only he would..., if only he would say..., if only he would do..., if only he wouldn't do... You can fill in the blanks. Ladies, you can not change your husband. No amount of nagging, begging, pleading or change him prayers will work. God gave us each free will, any change made is our choice.

Russell and I attended a marriage seminar this past weekend. It was phenomenal! If you ever have a chance to attend a
"Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" by Mark Gungor do it!

Mark talks about how to relate to your spouse, not turn them into another version of yourself. I wholeheartedly agree! In essence we are asking the question, "why can't you be more like me?" Making our spouse into another us is not the way to a better marriage.

After several years of walking through inner healing and aligning my thoughts to God's truth, I actually like me. Russell no longer has to tip toe through my emotional minefield on a daily basis which has changed the atmosphere in our home. A happy and fulfilled wife makes for a happy home...at least most of the time:)

So, how did we get here? Let's talk about some of the principles in play in my marriage that may spark some revelation in yours.

* First and foremost, find your fulfillment and identity in Jesus Christ alone. No man can ever fulfill your heart...to expect one to do so is setting yourself and the relationship up for failure. It is humanly impossible for any person to meet all our expectations. Releasing others from your expectations not only sets you free, it sets them free.

* Take your hurts to Jesus. Your husband can not fix you. Sure he can bring you comfort and support, but ultimately Jesus is the only one who can heal your pain.

* Work on you. Allow Jesus to mold you and shape you into His image. Hope you're not counting how many times I've said this:) It really is a key ingredient.

* Respect your husband. Never cut him with your words. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. This doesn't mean you can't express how you feel. You can and you should. But never put him down in order to make your point or in an effort to get revenge. Never intentionally accuse him or berate him. VERY IMPORTANT!!!!

* Encourage him.

* Appreciate him and tell him often how much. Determine his best qualities and praise him in those areas.

* Sex...you knew it would come up eventually. Ladies, men NEED it!!!! Never withhold sex as a means of revenge or payback...it's just plain selfish to do so. Believe me, there was a time I was highly selfish in this area.

* Never berate your husband to your children. They need the security of knowing you love their father. Also remember you are modeling to your daughters what a wife should look like. If you nag your husband, they will learn this behavior and most likely will someday nag theirs. Husbands (if there are any out there that have read this far) remember you are modeling to your sons what a Godly husband looks like. Dads to girls you are modeling what a husband looks like to your daughters...treat them like royalty and they won't settle for second best, selling themselves short. Behavior is learned, not taught...what are your actions teaching?

* Never go to bed angry. Seek reconciliation first. Even if you are right (or think you are right:) in an argument or disagreement be the first to bridge the gap. It's just not worth it to let anger fester into bitterness.

* Don't be afraid to say you are wrong when you are wrong. Pride does nothing but build a wall between you and the one you love.

* Put your marriage before your children. Time with your spouse is priority. It is challenging when the children are young, but it will pay in dividends in the long haul. Make it happen!

* Forgive quickly, don't harbor unforgiveness in your heart for lengthy periods of time.


Lengthy list, I am sure you can add to it and make it your own. Since I'm a wife I am primarily talking to wives, but husbands can glean from these principles as well!

It might be a good time to add I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect and our marriage is not perfect. However, we are honestly more in love and more connected now then in all our 18 years of marriage. I give God all the glory, but I also want to brag on my man a bit.

Russell Dover has a servant's heart the size of Texas. He serves naturally, it is second nature to him. He sees dishes in the sink, he washes them. Load of laundry in the basket, he folds it. When our girls were babies he changed many dirty diapers. I could write an entire post on how he serves me and the girls, but I want you to still like me and that might provoke a good dose of envy:)

He has always believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. When I have a dream, he does everything in his ability to see it come to life. Making me happy, makes him happy. As I grow and mature in my love for Jesus, and my husband, I live to return this happiness to him. He can accomplish whatever he sets his mind to accomplish and I have a part in that by encouraging him and believing in him.

In the seminar Mark made a statement that most affairs don't begin for sexual reasons, they begin for emotional ones. As wives if we aren't believing in our husbands, being their number one cheerleader, someone else might come in and fill that role. So, get out your pom-poms and 2-4-6-8 who do you appreciate? Your hubby!

Russell makes me feel safe. Ultimately I know my defender and protector is God, but it sure is nice having a husband who models God to me here on earth. When my world seems to be in chaos, Russell helps me put situations into perspective...he keeps me balanced. We are a team.

If you have read this and thought to yourself, well that's just peachy for her, but I don't have this kind of marriage...I want to encourage you that you can. Where to start? Start at the beginning, work on you. While you are working on you love, love, love your man. Die to self and do for him sacrificially. If you wait on him to start the process you might be waiting a very long time.

I Peter 3:1 talks about how wives are to win over their husbands. The context is winning over an unbelieving husband, but the same principle applies to winning over husbands in general. When I started making changes I didn't announce to Russell, "today, you have a new wife. I've decided to turn from being negative and critical to loving and encouraging." No, he would have to see it to believe, so I started walking it out in front of him, winning him over without words. Ladies, I have to tell you, it didn't take long for him to notice or respond.

I don't share our marriage with you to discourage you or make you envious. I share our story to impart hope. Nothing is impossible for God. No marriage is too far gone He can't restore it and redeem it. Perhaps your marriage is good, but you desire it to be magnificent...what are you waiting for? The God of all creation can take you from mediocre to magnificent, ask Him to show you the way!

Spending a lifetime with my terrific hubby, growing in love and grace together surely does make My Soul Sing!

Mediocre to Magnificent Part One

If you haven’t read the previous post, take a minute and do so...it will make this one more meaningful.

I can not tell you the day, not even the month or year I realized our marriage had changed. I don’t even remember the circumstances that brought it to my attention. One day I was simply watching my husband and thought to myself, “dang, he’s mine and he’s awesome. I can’t imagine being married to anyone else.”

Shortly after this revelation I was spending some time talking with Jesus when I heard Him speak to my heart, “Amy, I have taken your marriage from mediocre to magnificent.” I couldn’t have put it any other way!

Before we go any further let’s take a trip down Amy and Russell’s memory lane. We don’t have to go all the way to the beginning. Our early years were good, self-centered, but no major roadblocks. We were young and blissfully unaware of life’s trials. It wouldn’t be until shortly after the birth of our second daughter that are marriage vows would be put to the test, in the area of “in sickness and in health.”

Statistically speaking the odds are in our favor. Both sets of parents are still married. Divorce is never something we have ever even flippantly discussed. We both came from the mentality we would be married for life...now, that’s not to say we were going down a road to a life of bliss. In hindsight I can see now it was quite the opposite. We were headed in the direction of co-existing.

I can remember sitting outside at a friend’s house, crying and pouring out my heart to her about our marriage. I didn’t feel we communicated, much less connected on an intimate level. My words to her basically summed up our relationship as roommates, occupying the same space, but not walking in the fullness of covenant God designed marriage to be.

If we had stayed on this path we would be the couple sitting across the dinner table from each other after the girls are grown and gone with absolutely nothing to say. Have you heard of empty nesters who realized a little too late they invested so much time and focus in their children’s lives and not enough in their marriage that when the kids were gone they no longer knew their mate, much less shared any dreams with them? I knew I didn’t want to be that kind of couple, so I set out to do something about it. This is when I realized I had to work on me.

Eventually I decided I wanted more in my relationship with God. I realized I didn’t know God as a loving Father, whom I could intimately know. Somewhere in this timeline God became my number one priority. Although I accepted Christ as my Savior at age six, I really didn’t begin a life changing walk with Him until I was about 31.

Looking back now, this is where my journey began, which brings me to the previous blog post and revelation I am only responsible for me. Let me repeat that, I AM ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ME. This is a foundational truth and it applies to you too. You are only responsible for YOU! Get this and you will be on your way to immeasurable freedom. By walking in this truth you will also remove yourself from being an obstacle in the way of God moving in the lives of those you love. He will allow you to play Holy Spirit in the lives of others as long as you choose to do so, but He is waiting for the day you give the job back to Him:)

God started addressing my “junk in the trunk” (and I don’t mean my back side, although there is certainly some junk there too:), no this junk was from the past and it was standing in the way of me fully realizing who I was in Christ. I knew my name, but I didn’t know who I was. As He began to reveal to me my identity I couldn’t get enough of Him. I searched, I prayed, I surrendered and beautiful things started taking place in my heart...and then one day I noticed they were also taking place in my hubby’s heart as well...and I had NOTHING to do with it, other than the fact I had let go of him and placed him in God’s capable keeping!

Transformed lives, transformed thinking and a transformed marriage...in part two of “Mediocre to Magnificent” I will share with you the relationship I now have with my sweet Russell. I don’t share it to brag or boast, but to impart hope to those reading our story...and maybe give you the courage to let go and let God and watch Him bring renewal, restoration and (faithful readers, you probably can guess what comes next) REDEMPTION!

Marriage can be and should be a reflection of how Christ loves the body, His bride...it can be magnificent and this is why my soul sings!