I'm not ok...

This post is going to be raw.  It's going to be real.  I know I preface many posts with that disclaimer, but really, I mean it this time:)

I have a confession to make.  I'm.  Not.  Ok.  There, I said it, I'm not ok.

Yes, I have Jesus.  Yes, I know the joy of the Lord is my strength.  Yes, in my weakness, He is strong.  Yes, I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  Yes, I know them.  All of them.  But what if reciting all the scriptures in the Book on the subject of joy don't "do" anything to change how you feel inside?  I'm there.  And it's time I shared with you, especially those of you who feel like you're there too.  There is NO SHAME for the believer who is suffering from depression!  It's ok that I'm not ok.

I can not go into my circumstances, but truth be told I've been depressed for several months.  I just recently came to grips with it in the last few weeks.  My husband has known and hasn't said a word.  My 13 year old daughter is constantly telling me to smile, apparently, according to her, I always look sad.  I'm not trying to look sad, I'm just not very good at hiding what is on the inside.  Crying is almost a daily occurrence and I've NEVER been one to cry.

"How are you doing?"  Such a common question upon greeting someone, especially here in the south.  It's not a question I ask very often.  So, if you are reading this and I ask you this question, IT IS BECAUSE I TRULY WANT TO KNOW and I'm willing to wait around and hear your answer...good, bad or ugly!  Here lately, I've not been good with giving the expected reply, "I'm good, how are you?"  Depending on the depth of our relationship, I've been honest in my response from, "I'm ok, but not great" to "I'm not so good."

If you know me, you know I'm passionate about helping people see who they are in Christ.  I am passionate about Grace, freedom in Christ and living in our identities as sons or daughters.  Let me tell you, it's really easy to have faith when there is nothing in your life requiring you to have it...but, when you need it the most, your faith all of sudden FEELS very inadequate and weak.  A good friend reminded me a couple of weeks ago where my faith comes from...and you know what, it doesn't come from me...and that's a good thing!

Life is hard.  This is true. But at the end of the day, I know in my heart these things are the greater truths:  God is good.  God loves me...unconditionally...period.  God is NOT disappointed in me.  This current me is NOT who I am.

Why am I sharing with you this very personal struggle?  Because I know many of you struggle with it too.  God has given me a voice, it's part of my calling and I can't stand by and keep silent about this subject because so many believers struggle with depression.  Unfortunately there is such a stigma attached to being depressed for the believer.  Aren't we suppose to have it all together?  Maybe the religious think so, believe so and are so deceived into believing that they do...but I'm here to tell you, you don't.  You don't have to have it all together.

So, what's my plan?  I am focusing on wellness; body, soul and spirit.  Jesus already paid for my wholeness on the cross.  In reality, I am WHOLE.  But until the natural lines up with what is already true in the spiritual I will focus on taking care of myself...through holistic approaches and medical ones.

I am truly thankful for those of you who have showed up on my doorstep within minutes of receiving a disturbing text/call from me.  Those who have given of your time just to come sit with me and encourage me and listen to me.  Those of you who have held me as I weep, snot and all...reminding me to breath.  Without the help of several dedicated friends, I doubt I'd have a larger than life Christmas tree lit and decorated in my great room!

I would love your prayers.  I'm ready to be well again.  I'm ready for my soul to sing again.

Receiving an Abundance of Grace

There's a lot of fuss over the resurgence of the Gospel of Grace these days.  Titles such as "Radical Grace," "Hyper Grace," "Greasy Grace," and "Sloppy Agape" have been assigned to the Grace message to warn people of the danger...well, I have some opinions on this topic, but instead of refuting the message of Grace (I'll leave that to the Apostle Paul, which you can find in the book of Galatians;) I want to share with you how Abundant Grace has transformed my thinking and how I will never be the same because of it.

A verse I am keeping ever before me in this current season of life is Romans 5:17, let's take a look at it:

"For if by the one man's offense death reigned through the one, much more those who RECEIVE ABUNDANCE of grace and of the gift of righteousness will reign in life through the One, Jesus Christ." (emphasis mine)

There's much going on this verse, but for today I want to focus on the word "abundance."  Let's look at this word in the Greek.  It is the Greek word "perisseia" pronounced "per-is-si'-ah."  

According to AMG Publishers "Hebrew-Greek Study Bible" this word is defined as "super abundance, abundance, superfluity."  One of the synonyms for the word is defined as "huperbole" where we get the word "hyper" from.  It is defined as a "throwing beyond others, supereminence, pre-eminently-abundance (far more) exceeding, excellency, more excellent, beyond (out of) measure."

I don't know about you, but sign me up for hyper Grace!  

The other word that is standing out to me in Romans 5:17 is "receive."  Now, I could list the definition of the word in the Greek, but it's lengthy...for the purpose of this post let's leave it as "to take."  

I am absolutely UNDONE at the revelation in this verse...if we want to reign in life we are to RECEIVE ABUNDANT GRACE!!!  It's not something I do, or you do; it's something Jesus already did on our behalf!!!

You know what else Jesus took care of on our behalf?  Sin.  Yet, we still struggle, don't we?  I'm currently struggling with the sins of worry and fear.  What replaces fear?  Perfect love.  Who is perfect love?  Jesus.  So, let's filter that through Romans 5:17.  What is my position in order to reign in life?  Receive abundance of His Grace and in my particular situation, His perfect love.

I love the late Dallas Willard's definition of Grace.  He says, "Grace is God acting in our lives to accomplish what we cannot do on our own."  Here's another Willard definition of Grace, "Grace is the personal presence of Jesus, enabling or empowering you to be and to do-All that He called you to be, All that He called you to do."

In my strength, I can strive all day long to overcome fear and it will NEVER happen...how do I know?  I've tried.  I've tried as recently as yesterday!  I come up short every time and back to where I started, actually, usually worse than when I started.

Grace doesn't just barely cover it, Grace covers it abundantly...more than enough!  He is a "more than enough" Papa!!!

Do you want to reign in life?  I do.  There's Grace for that...do you receive it?  I am convinced that right believing leads to right living.

Pray with me, "Papa, I thank You for the gift of Your Son, Jesus.  I thank You that because He sacrificed in my place I can reign in life.  I thank You that because of Jesus, I am righteous.  As I become more aware of this truth, I am empowered by Grace to be all that You created me to be.  I thank You for being a generous Papa, there is no lack in You.  I thank You for the divine exchange, it's more than just life for eternity, it's life here and now.  Today I choose to RECEIVE Your abundant Grace and receive the promise of reigning in life. In the name of Jesus, AMEN!"

Katy Perry, I See Jesus in You!

This past Sunday I had the pleasure of hearing Paul Manwaring speak in Atlanta.  He posed a thought provoking question, "If you've been born for such a time as this; what time is it?"

His message had many points, but he made one statement, in particular, I just can not get away from and it is this:  "If we (the Church) remain silent, people will find relief from somewhere else."

For the last several years I've been on a journey of discovering the heart of Papa God.  I've said it before on this blog, I think His heart has been grossly misunderstood by His children.  We then have turned around and mis-represented His heart to the world...the world who so desperately needs to know the unconditional love of the Father.

Through this journey, I have learned to challenge the status quo as defined by the Church.  Just because I've heard something taught for years and through multiple sources doesn't mean I take it as truth anymore.  I have become a student of Holy Spirit, viewing the Word through the lens of Jesus.   I now look at the Word of God looking for Jesus and He is in every word, both Old Testament and New and I must say, He is BEAUTIFUL!

If your my Facebook friend you may know I recently posted a link to one of Katy Perry's new songs, "Unconditionally."  I hear the heart of Papa in it and I know that although Katy is very confused about many things, this song was inspired by Holy Spirit.  It is full of truth.  So, I bought her latest album on iTunes.

Some of the songs I automatically hit skip, because quite honestly they are full of sexual innuendo and just don't make me feel good.  Not judging anyone who listens to them; they're just not for me:)

There are three songs which have my attention on this album and I want to focus on one of them in this post.  This post is going to be lengthy, hope you stay with me.

The name of the song is "It Takes Two."  Let's take a look at the lyrics:

"Is Mercury in retrograde or is that the excuse I've always made
'cause I wanna blame you,
But I can only blame myself

Yeah, it's easy to throw you under the bus
I'll call you crazy, while I'm filling my cup
I say these things to hurt you
But I only hurt myself

Oh, I can only take responsibility for me
It takes two, two sides to every story
Not just you
I can't keep ignoring
I admit half of it, I'm not that innocent, oh yeah

It take two, two sides to every story
Not just me
You can't keep ignoring
But let me be first baby to say "I'm sorry"

I face my demons, yeah, I paid my dues
I had to grow up, I wish you could too
I wanted to save you, but I can only save myself

Oh, I can only be the changing one to see
Yeah, I can see

I point my finger but it does me no good
I look in the mirror & it tells me truth
Why all these lessons always learned the hard way
Is it too late to change"

Ok, here is where my opinion is probably going to be different than most.  I don't know Katy, but I have a sense she is a believer in Jesus.  I think she bought into lies that led her down a path of destruction and poor choices.  What I see in some of her songs is a young woman coming back to what is true and who she really is, a much loved daughter of Father God.

Is her life messy?  No doubt.  Has she bought into the Hollywood scene and fast life that comes with it?  I think that is obvious.  Unlike most of us, she doesn't have the luxury of anonymity.  Her journey is out there for all the world to see.  Instead of looking at what Katy is not, I choose to look at her how heaven sees her.

If I want to see Christians bashing other Christians, current pop stars, entertainers and even ministers of the Gospel, I don't have to go any further than Facebook.  I think it's time we look at those who have influence in a different light.  Instead of bashing them and saying they are going to burn in Hell, why don't we choose to see them as Father God sees them, because my Bible tells me He loves them!  And, gasp, dare I say it, pray for them?

Let me tie this back into my opening quote from Paul.  Our children and our teenagers are looking.  They are seeking and unless they are living in a cave (good luck with that, btw) they are most likely looking to Hollywood for their direction.  Looking at what will make them acceptable among their peers and even looking for counsel through song lyrics (yeah, that's scary, isn't it?)

"If we (the Church) remain silent, people will find relief from somewhere else."  Silent about what?  Silent about the goodness of God, redemption, forgiveness, life, to name a few.  Oh, Christians are plenty vocal, but it's time we use our voice to speak and impart LIFE!

I want to dissect the above lyrics a little.  I'm not going to go into each line, but a few that stand out to me.

"I wanna blame you, but I can only blame myself."  Katy, how about we don't blame anybody?  Instead why don't we take responsibility for our words & actions and clean up our messes?

"I say these things to hurt you, but I only hurt myself."  This is truth.  When we hold onto unforgiveness, hate and bitterness, they eat away at our souls.  They weigh us down, not the one we harbor the feelings toward.

"Oh, I can only take responsibility for me."  Truth!  Truth!  Truth!  On your very best day, you have control of you.  You can not take responsibility for anyone else, unless you want to be co-dependent, which I don't suggest at all.

"But let me be first baby to say "I'm sorry."  Good advice.  I often tell engaged couples that is the best marriage advice I have to give them.  Say you're sorry even when it's not your fault!

"I wanted to save you, but I can only save myself."  Yes, you only have the power to save yourself by choosing to believe in what Jesus did for you.  You don't have the power to fix or save anyone else, but you can show them Jesus by your words and actions, making Him lovely to those who need Him.

"Is it too late to change?"  NEVER!  You, reading this that believe it's too late for you, let me be the one to share with you, it's NEVER too late with Jesus.  And, you get bonus, because He promises to use what was meant for your harm to your good.  Want proof of that?  Go read Romans 8:28.

Bottom line, the Katy Perrys of this world are influencing our children, we can either criticize and turn up our religious noses; or we can believe for her return.  Like the father in the Prodigal Son, I want to throw her a party!

Hmmm...Miley, you are next!

The Gospel of Grace has radically changed me.  I hope to share more about that with you soon...in the meantime, I encourage you to look for Jesus everywhere...He's not limited to the pages of the Book and this is just one more reason, My Soul Sings!

He. Still. Moved.

I can not pass up the opportunity to sit down this afternoon and write a short blog, sharing with you how my Daddy God blessed me with a realization this morning. 

Last week I asked a person this question, "What's more important, your commitment to Christ or Christ's commitment to you?"  In my opinion, Christ's commitment to me is far more important than my commitment to Him.  Religion would teach us our commitment is of most importance.  Personally, I don't want anything to do with something that is dependent upon my performance or lack there of.

Like most of you, I have issues in my life I am laying before the Father.  One area in particular I seem to volley back and forth with trusting God and picking up the worry/concern and trying to bear it in my own way.  When it is at His feet, I am at peace.  When I try to control or fix it, peace is far from me.  I place a high value on peace, so its' absent strongly impacts many areas of my life.

Aside from the one area I am continually having to surrender to Daddy, less weighty issues (in my estimation they are less weighty) pop up from time to time.  Such a situation arose this past week.  In all honesty the situation was a frustration to me.  I prayed about it and even thought it might be an area in which He was refining me.  Not wanting to miss the opportunity for an upgrade in my thinking, I told Him what was on my heart.

I'd like to say my attitude was all peachy, sunshine and roses, but it wasn't and you know what?  He.  Still.  Moved.  Not only did He move, He moved in the way I asked for Him to move...stinky attitude and everything.

As I was laying in bed this morning, He gently reminded me He was completely trustworthy and faithful.  It was then I realized He was building my faith in Him, to be able to trust Him with greater things in my life...you know, the one I keep laying down, picking up, laying down, picking up!  My heart filled with thankfulness and love for my Daddy God!

He's totally able to move in that situation too...after all, His commitment to me is far stronger than my commitment to Him...BUT, the more I realize His commitment to me, the more I rest in it and the more I rest in the finished works of the Cross and Grace, the more fruitful my walk becomes...not because of me, but all because of Him.  Resting in Him today, awed by His faithfulness and this is why My Soul Sings!

Parenting and The Gift of Time

"The greatest gift our Father gives us is His presence. The greatest gift we can give our children is ours." 

Parenting.  It's a sensitive subject and there are a vast number of opinions on the topic.  I've shared my opinions and parenting style of choice in blog posts past.  

I've made my fair share of parenting blunders.  I've done a lot wrong, but I would like to think I've done more right.    There will always be areas I wish I had handled a situation differently, spoken a little more softly, reacted a little less abruptly, etc.  But I don't believe in living in regret.  Regret will eat you up, rob you of today, the present, and the gift of the now in front of you.  Don't live in regrets.  Trust me on that one.

So, instead of regret, I look at how I can do things differently going forward.  This is where the opening quote struck me right between the eyes.

How many times has one of my girls wanted my undivided attention and I responded to them, "just a minute, I'm busy," "I need to make this phone call," "we'll do that tomorrow,"  "you can tell me later," or "not right now, I've got laundry, dishes, dinner, etc to do."  My younger daughter often asks me to watch a show with her.  I oblige her request with my physical presence, but I sit there and scroll through social media sites on my phone or answer e-mails from my laptop.  She comments.  I make excuses.  Eventually she stopped asking.  Sigh.

When my girls were younger, I was a fanatic about my house being clean.  If it wasn't clean I got grouchy (ok, some things haven't changed)...having a clean house and everything in order was my priority.  In hindsight I wish I would've ignored the sink full of dishes, dusty baseboards and piles of laundry and spent a little more time on the floor coloring, playing Polly Pockets, Thomas the Train, and dress up.

I heard a statistic (I don't know the source)  this generation of teens is the loneliest, most depressed generation ever.  After spending some time with this generation, I can testify to these facts.  In our busyness we've left behind the fundamentals of family time, dinner around the table and other relational family activities.  We've lost our relational connectedness as a result.

Father God is always available.  He doesn't have to check His calendar or pencil us in.  If I have something I want to share with Him or talk about, He is there and the best listener I know!  As I have stated in previous posts on parenting, I want Father God to be my parenting model.  

I want to listen more to my girls and comment less.  I want to disconnect from social media, ministry and the "to-do list" long enough to be completely and totally PRESENT for them.  I want to give them the gift of my time...because let's be honest, time is a gift, not a commodity we can buy.  

No matter what your parenting style, I think we can agree, time is something all children need.  Are you giving your children the gift of your presence?  If not, start today!