Parenting and The Gift of Time

"The greatest gift our Father gives us is His presence. The greatest gift we can give our children is ours." 

Parenting.  It's a sensitive subject and there are a vast number of opinions on the topic.  I've shared my opinions and parenting style of choice in blog posts past.  

I've made my fair share of parenting blunders.  I've done a lot wrong, but I would like to think I've done more right.    There will always be areas I wish I had handled a situation differently, spoken a little more softly, reacted a little less abruptly, etc.  But I don't believe in living in regret.  Regret will eat you up, rob you of today, the present, and the gift of the now in front of you.  Don't live in regrets.  Trust me on that one.

So, instead of regret, I look at how I can do things differently going forward.  This is where the opening quote struck me right between the eyes.

How many times has one of my girls wanted my undivided attention and I responded to them, "just a minute, I'm busy," "I need to make this phone call," "we'll do that tomorrow,"  "you can tell me later," or "not right now, I've got laundry, dishes, dinner, etc to do."  My younger daughter often asks me to watch a show with her.  I oblige her request with my physical presence, but I sit there and scroll through social media sites on my phone or answer e-mails from my laptop.  She comments.  I make excuses.  Eventually she stopped asking.  Sigh.

When my girls were younger, I was a fanatic about my house being clean.  If it wasn't clean I got grouchy (ok, some things haven't changed)...having a clean house and everything in order was my priority.  In hindsight I wish I would've ignored the sink full of dishes, dusty baseboards and piles of laundry and spent a little more time on the floor coloring, playing Polly Pockets, Thomas the Train, and dress up.

I heard a statistic (I don't know the source)  this generation of teens is the loneliest, most depressed generation ever.  After spending some time with this generation, I can testify to these facts.  In our busyness we've left behind the fundamentals of family time, dinner around the table and other relational family activities.  We've lost our relational connectedness as a result.

Father God is always available.  He doesn't have to check His calendar or pencil us in.  If I have something I want to share with Him or talk about, He is there and the best listener I know!  As I have stated in previous posts on parenting, I want Father God to be my parenting model.  

I want to listen more to my girls and comment less.  I want to disconnect from social media, ministry and the "to-do list" long enough to be completely and totally PRESENT for them.  I want to give them the gift of my time...because let's be honest, time is a gift, not a commodity we can buy.  

No matter what your parenting style, I think we can agree, time is something all children need.  Are you giving your children the gift of your presence?  If not, start today!

Sweeter than Candy!

"Complaining in the Kingdom doesn't get you candy." I heard this said in a sermon I was listening to by Kris Vallotton and it really sparked some thought in this ole' head of mine.

The overall message wasn't necessarily about the direction I am taking this blog...it just sparked some thought which led to revelation for me personally...which, in my opinion, is too good not to share:)

After Kris made this statement he went on to the give the example of a child throwing a temper tantrum in the grocery store, begging mom for candy. You know how the story ends, because I think we (parents) have all been in this story...you get the child candy, in hopes of shutting them up and keeping peace. Not the end of the world if this is a rare occurrence, BUT if this becomes a pattern we really are doing our children a disservice by teaching them complaining/throwing a fit/whining gets them what they want in life. Although this may be true to some degree i.e. complain in a restaurant about the food or service and you may get a free meal out of it, it isn't how God does business....in other words, it's not kingdom.

I will be the first one to confess I have parented this way...giving in to my girls just to make peace...but then I was challenged several years ago by Matthew 5:37 in several areas of my life, but particularly in the parenting department. My paraphrase of Matthew 5:37 is, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no."

My girls don't push the envelope as much these days, especially my older daughter. I have even overheard her say to one of her friends, "when my mom says no, she means no. There's no need in begging her."

Okay, so you may be wondering where I am taking this...I'm getting there...

I started to think of how God parents us. Sometimes we pray and ask for something and the answer, or lack of answer, can be translated as a no from God. Then I am reminded of the story of Abraham and Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham was in true relationship with God and in Genesis 18 we see him plead with God on behalf of the righteous in Sodom. If you are not familiar with this story I would encourage you to go read it. Very encouraging and empowering to know we can have this kind of relationship with the God of the universe!!!

What I gleaned from this is I want to teach my children they can persuade (not manipulate) me, just as we can pray to God and persuade Him. You might have trouble comprehending we can persuade God, but we can probably agree that one of the purposes of prayer is to come into alignment with His heart. I think this is just another facet of what true relationship with Father God looks like...intimacy, where you see His heart and He knows yours...and because He is a good Father He wants to fulfill our desires, but they must be in accordance with His character and His word.

If I can see one of my daughters truly has a heart desire for what they are asking for I will do everything in my ability to fulfill their request...no complaining, begging or whining required!

No, complaining truly doesn't get you candy in the Kingdom, but it does get you something, but not anything you would want...it gives you an all access pass to visit the realm of darkness. It will empower the enemy to move in your life. I love the quote by Bill Johnson, "complaining is to the demonic what praise is to God."

As Psalm 100:4 tells us, "enter His presence with thanksgiving and His courts with praise."

I want to dwell in His presence...complaining doesn't put me there, praise does. I want to parent my girls like Father God parents me. I want everything I do and say to reflect the kingdom of God. What about you?

Thankful for the process of learning to live with a Kingdom mindset one step at a time. My Soul Sings with praise and thanksgiving for my Jesus and that, my friends, is sweeter than any candy!

If you enjoy reading My Soul Sings, please, become a follower of this blog and consider sharing it with a friend! Blessings on you!

Bluff or Show My Hand

This could be considered a follow up to our parenting series . If you haven't read the parenting series click the link above and I suggest you start there.

In short review of Loving on Purpose (LOP) remember love casts out all fear (I John 4:18.) In LOP we looked at Biblical parenting principles and parenting like Father God. We learned not to parent from control, but with the goal of teaching our children to manage their freedom. We learned not to fear our children's sin. Fearing their sin will lead us to control them, thus producing in them either fear or rebellion, which later in life will lead them to use control as a means of protection (it's a cycle.)

We learned to build a relationship with our children in which we protect each other's hearts. Ultimately it is from this relationship our children will learn to make wise choices and how to respond when their choices aren't so wise. Remember it is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4.) True repentance is not admitting our sin because we got caught or because we fear punishment. Repentance is brought about by conviction from the Holy Spirit where we confess and turn from the sin, allowing Him to empower us to walk in victory over it.

So now we have refreshed our memories on the basic concept let me introduce you to another facet the Holy Spirit revealed to me (through a recent life experience.) Light exposes all darkness. Just as fear and love can not inhabit the same space, light and darkness can not co-exist. Which is stronger? I hope you said light:)

Scripture is full of references to light and darkness. Jesus himself says "I am the light of the world;, he who follows Me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life." (John 8:12) I love I Peter 2:9 which says we have been called out of darkness into His marvelous light.

Satan is described in John 8:44 as the father of lies, when he speaks he is lying...ALWAYS! Satan is always aligned with the kingdom of darkness. Jesus is always aligned with the kingdom of light...never are there any exceptions! As followers of Christ, which kingdom should we align with? LIGHT!!!! When the Lord reveals an area in our heart not in alignment with His we are to repent and confess it as sin, thus breaking agreement with the enemy and realigning ourselves with God's truth.

Back to my story...I was recently faced with a decision. I could either show my hand (for all you card players out there) or I could try to "bluff" and get my daughter to show me hers. While I was pondering the situation, praying and asking for wisdom I clearly heard the Lord say, "show your hand." How did I know this was God's voice and not my own or the enemy's? Simple...this statement aligns with the truth of His Word. All throughout scripture we are shown how God's light reveals things hidden in darkness. If I had chosen to "bluff" I knew I would be guilty of manipulation, which is just another form of control...the very thing I'm trying to avoid doing! NEVER, EVER, EVER do we see Jesus use control or manipulation in His ministry on earth...and remember He is the example we should follow.

My goal was to expose deeds done in darkness to the marvelous, saving and redemptive light of Jesus Christ. So, I was honest...real honest, shockingly honest. I shared my heart and revealed things hidden there not even my husband (before now) knew all the details about. You see the enemy wanted to keep what I shared in the darkness, where he could use it to bring me shame and guilt...but most importantly in this case to breed FEAR. Fear of my children making the same mistake. Once these details were exposed I felt a shift take place in my heart because carrying secrets is burdensome and heavy. Once exposed my heart felt lighter...remember what the enemy intended for your destruction God works together for good!

You might be wondering how this applies in the parenting department. In our 4th parenting post we discussed the issue of self-control and respect. As parents we model respect (or disrespect) to our children. They are watching us. We can not expect for them to exhibit more respect than what has been taught them through their observation of us. Same concept applies in our post today.

In the past I have modeled to my children control, fear, manipulation and lying (to keep things from being exposed.) I have also modeled to them judgment, criticism and ungodly anger. We were reaping what was sown, rotten fruit and all.

BUT!!!!! The story doesn't end here. You should know me well enough by now to know my confessions are always followed with the story of God's redemption and restoration. He is faithful to His children! He repairs what has been broken. He restores what has deteriorated. He returns what has been stolen. It's nothing I earned or deserved by any self effort, only by the shed blood of Jesus Christ. It was a matter of listening to His instructions and following through in obedience. It took faith and trust, which I admit were hard for me. Everything in me wanted to resort back to ways that were familiar, but I knew they weren't in alignment with the kingdom of God and I had come too far to turn back now.

Is the process complete? No. Is it easy? No. Is it painful? Sometimes. Is it fruitful? You bet! Is it worth trusting Him? Absolutely! Is there satisfaction with knowing my obedience to God exposed the work of the enemy? DUH! Can I trust God to complete the work He has begun in my family? YES! And this is why MY SOUL SINGS!!!! Hallelujah!

Link to Register for Workshop

Growing in Grace Ministries has provided online registration for you! Click here to be taken to the registration page.

We are working on getting paypal set up for payment, but until then you can mail your payment to the ministry center: Growing in Grace Ministries, 5959 Shallowford Rd, Suite 103, Chattanooga, TN 37421.

Checks should be made payable to GGM. Cost is $10/person which includes lunch.

To learn more about "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" I invite you to read my "Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It" series here on My Soul Sings. In six blog posts I take you through my journey to Loving on Purpose.

Those of you who have verbally told me you are attending still need to register online as well! I am super excited!!!! I am already praying for those who will be in attendance! Blessings on each of you:)

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! It's a WRAP!

Here we are at the end of our parenting series. I trust the Holy Spirit has taught you something:) As we journey through parenting the Lord promises to give us all the wisdom we need. We simply have to ask Him for it (James 1:5) Not just in parenting, but in life, He is the source of wisdom.

I am by no stretch of the imagination a parenting expert. I do not claim to have all the answers. I am much like the rest of you reading these posts...I was in search of something better, something healthier and something that would work. True to His nature God was there to answer my cries for help. I'd like to share two verses attesting to this truth.

Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Matthew 7:8 "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

God is certainly not hiding from us. He is not playing hard to get. He is waiting for us to come to Him. When I decided I couldn't parent without His divine aid I ran to Him and pleaded for help. I knew what we were doing was not working...I was tired, frustrated and wishing the days and months away. Just getting from one day to the next was my goal. I wasn't living an abundant life. There had to be a more excellent way. I desired to raise children who loved the Lord with all their hearts. Children who knew the love of the Father because it had been modeled to them through their earthly parents.

God heard my cries and I fully believe He led me to "Loving Our Kids on Purpose." When I first read the book about a year ago I knew it was something I wanted to share with others. So much so I went and spent almost $200 on books and the DVD teaching series. It wasn't until hearing Danny speak in person I fully grasped these principles and the fire from last year was re-kindled. I knew I couldn't keep this knowledge to myself...I had to share it with anyone who would listen (or in this case, read:)...from this passion "Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It" was birthed.

There are other areas I feel much more "equipped" to address, so to write a parenting series was definitely a leap of faith, a most humbling experience and act of God. I thank Him and praise Him for using me as His mouthpiece.

Where do we go from here? I can't answer for you, but I have shared through these posts what it has looked like for me. This past Monday my teenager was out of school, but my 10 year old was not. I was able to spend the day with Rachel, just the two of us. The Lord had told me I would need to eventually go to Rachel and ask for her forgiveness...then He provided the perfect opportunity to do so.

This was a tender and sacred moment for me, but I feel He is asking me to share it with you. I said, "Rachel, mom needs to talk with you a minute and it's really serious." She looked at me with wide eyes thinking she was in trouble...I had her attention so I simply said, "baby, I need to ask you to forgive me for all the ways I have misrepresented Jesus to you. I haven't always loved you the way you needed to be loved. I have lost my temper and yelled. I was afraid and tried to control you. This isn't Jesus. Jesus loves you so very much and is very patient with you. Will you forgive me for this? You probably have already seen things changing around our house. Things are going to continue to change. Jesus is showing us a better way. I love you very much and want only the best for you and your sister." She simply smiled at me and said, "I forgive you."

Even though I had started to implement LOKP methods I had yet to eat the big slice of humble pie I knew was necessary before proceeding further. I had apologized to both girls for particular incidences as they had occurred, but I hadn't swallowed the "big one." Repenting of past mistakes before the Lord and then before those you have hurt is a major step toward walking in an environment of honor. Ask the Lord to show you what this looks like for you...your experience will be different from mine.

I want to leave you with several questions to ponder.

• Are you scared of your children's sin? (Scared people want to have control.)
• Do you believe there is greatness in your children? Ask the Lord to show you how to call it to the surface.
• Is your parenting style reflective of heaven?
• Do your children see Jesus in you?

It is my prayer you have seen the redemptive side of Christ in my story and please know He desires to lavish you with the same redemption. There is nothing impossible for Him and through Him you can parent like Father God!

In closing let's read the famous scripture on love from I Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures though every circumstance." (NLT)

My Soul Sings because my God is love and through Him I can love on purpose!

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part Five

In the last post we learned how to use LOKP one liners. Danny Silk teaches many different methods in his book and in the DVD teaching series we will use in our workshop on March 20th. I am not going to cover all of them...again, I encourage you to either purchase the book and/or, if possible, attend the workshop. The workshop will be invaluable in explaining these new parenting methods by using real life illustrations. Again, my blog posts are just highlights from the tools taught in the many LOKP resources. To see the LOKP language illustrated in comic strip style click here . Exploring these resources will strengthen your understanding of the loving on purpose method.

I do want to highlight one more LOKP technique before wrapping up this series. This technique is called "Fun or Room." Fun or Room takes the concept of time out to a whole new level. Fun or Room is saying to your child, "I require something from you in the relationship."

In my opinion, "Fun or Room" works well with toddlers through early elementary(although I successfully used it when my daughter was 9.) It teaches the child there are requirements and needs of others to consider in relationship. It also teaches self-control. In other words, it is not all about them...this will be a shocking discovery for them, I know:)

Let's set up the scene: Your toddler is not happy and begins to throw a fit, complete with loud shrills to thunderous roars of rage. They plop themselves down on the floor and refuse to budge, Cheerio spittle coming from their mouth...they are mad and they want their way! As a parent you can either concede to their demands, lose your temper or spank their bottoms until they burn (producing more shrills) or you can peacefully put them in their room until they can be "fun to be with."

The last option allows them time to consider the consequences of their behavior, gives them a choice and your blood pressure remains at a healthy level:) Win, win for all. How do we implement "fun or room?"

• Child: Throwing tantrum
• Parent: "Fun or room?" If the child continues to scream you take this as their decision and tell them to go to their room and remain there until they can be "fun to be with."
• Child: Refuses to go to room of their own accord.
• Parent: Pick up child and place them in their room. If the child comes out, put them back in, explaining each time (in a calm voice) they can come out when they are ready to be "fun to be with."

If you consistently apply this method your child (because they are little geniuses) will realize it is much better to be "fun" than to spend time alone in their room. They will also see their choice in the situation. Danny gives testimony of children deciding for themselves they need "room time," placing themselves in their room until they can maintain self-control.

I love this method and have used it a couple of times with my younger daughter. After giving her the choice of "fun" or "room" she has chosen room. While she went to her room to work out her emotions, I was able to maintain peace and go about my day without entering into a debate contest with her. Just in case you haven't realized it yet, reasoning with children does NOT work! Presenting your case like an attorney, no matter how airtight it is, will NOT work with your child! Trust me, I've tried it:)

When your child decides they are ready to be fun, they are able to rejoin the family without mention of their earlier behavior. "Fun or room" is just another way of teaching them responsibility for their behavior and presenting them with choices which empower them to succeed both now and later in life.

Now, on to the subject of SPANKING! How many of you would admit this has been the question on your mind from the beginning of this series? I will admit when I read the book it was at the top of my list of questions. I thought to myself, "what about spare the rod, spoil the child?" This phrase has wrongly be associated with Proverbs 13:24 which says, "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them."

Confession time...typing this makes me cringe...I actually would read this scripture to my older daughter before spanking her when she was younger. In an angry voice I would say to her, "Mommy is spanking you because it is what Jesus says to do if I love you." Isn't that just super...I misrepresented Jesus to her at an early age and this is a form of spiritual abuse. Did you know in all the gospels there isn't one instance of Jesus laying a finger on anyone? Even when He displayed righteous anger as He turned over the tables in front of the temple He never struck anyone...interesting...and something you don't often hear taught in traditional churches. If you have an image of an angry Jesus, or Father God for that matter, squashing people like grapes with His wrath I urge you to reconsider. Jesus said, "let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."(Matthew 19:14)

This is an area where we could get into a theological debate and I stated at this blogs beginning I would not get into doctrinal debates. If this issue is of importance to you I encourage you to research it. I did for myself. I discovered Bible scholars differ on their interpretation of "the rod" and "a rod" when used in scripture. If you hang around My Soul Sings often you will hear me urge you to let the Holy Spirit be your ultimate Teacher. (In fact, I plan to write on this topic soon.) After I researched the Biblical meaning of rod I took my findings to the Holy Spirit in prayer. My conclusion coincides with the teaching found in LOKP.

Is spanking wrong? No. Is spanking the primary means of discipline? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Are there incidents where spanking is the most appropriate means of discipline? Yes.

I don't know your stance on the issue of spanking, but I can honestly say there is NOT one time my husband or I have spanked that is has been done without anger in our heart. When we have spanked in the past it has been done out of anger and frustration, out of our desire to prove we were in control. I can tell you one thing for sure this is not a Biblical form of spanking...this is not righteous anger, but just plain ugly anger...sinful anger. Anger I have since repented of. Fortunately for our girls spanking is not a method we have used often, nor have we used it once since discovering LOKP. LOKP has presented us with so many alternatives that are teaching our children valuable life lessons, spanking has not been necessary.

I love how Danny described the tool of spanking in the workshop we attended. He said, "spanking is a very small tool in a very large tool box." When spanking is employed it is to be done so out of love. It is to help them gain self-control, not as a means to control them by using fear. Remember our key verse? I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

For those of you thinking to yourselves, "my mama and daddy whipped my butt and I turned out just fine. It's what is wrong with kids today, they need to be whipped too!" Yes, we did turn out okay (most of us)...but I believe there is an even better way, a Kingdom of God way. In our final post I will talk about this "way" and why I feel it is far superior to all other models. Kingdom parenting is parenting from heaven's perspective..."on earth as it is in heaven" and, sweet Jesus, this makes my soul sing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Parenting Workshop

Hi everyone! Just wanted to quickly let you know I haven't gone anywhere:) This is the longest I've gone without posting since starting the blog. The first of the week was crazy busy and now I'm feeling under the weather. Nothing major, just allergy and sinus crud.

Hopefully, I will be able to write #5 in the parenting series SOON! We will be wrapping up the parenting series in two more posts (unless the Lord gives me another download I don't know about yet:)

I wanted to let you know the "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" Workshop has been scheduled. If you are in the Chattanooga area and can join us on Saturday, March 20th from 9-4 send me an e-mail amydover@iggm.org and I will tell you how to secure a spot. The cost will be $10/person which includes a sub sandwich lunch and snack. Late registration (after 3/13) will be $15/person. Space is limited, so early registration is encouraged.

The workshop will be held at Growing in Grace Ministries located at 5959 Shallowford Rd., Suite 103, Chattanooga, TN 37421.

I will be showing the LOKP DVD series by Danny Silk. Danny is a wonderful communicator and engaging speaker. You will laugh and be encouraged! We will have time at the end for questions and answers!

If you want a copy of Danny's book, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" let me know. We will order in bulk and sell them at our cost on the day of the workshop. It isn't necessary to have read the book before the workshop, you won't be lost. You will however want to read it afterwards...it's that good!

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part Four

In my last post I addressed how we must first deal with issues in our own hearts in order to receive love and love unconditionally. We talked about the goal of relationship is to protect the other person's heart. Restoration and reconciliation are critical in the mending of broken connections. Identifying your child's love language and then learning to speak it is also vital in successful parenting. We are discovering just how powerful our decision to love on purpose is because... Love covers a multitude of sin (I Peter 4:8) and love casts out fear (I John 4:18.)

Now that we have covered most of the basics in Loving on Purpose let me introduce you to some of the (LOKP) language:) But first I want to add a disclaimer...the purpose of these posts has been to introduce you to parenting from the new covenant. I have written about my own journey to LOKP. It is not my intent to replace the need for you to read the book (Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk) or, if given the opportunity, to attend a LOKP workshop. If you only read these posts it would be like reading the Cliff Notes to Macbeth in high school literature class...you'll get the overall theme, but you will miss the real beauty of the classic Shakespearean tale.

On to the language....

One Liners that will save your life; or, at the very least, your sanity! Learn these, write them on your bathroom mirror in lipstick, tattoo them on your arm, write them on index cards and tape them to your refrigerator...whatever it takes to get them to naturally role off your tongue in moments that might very well otherwise take you to the brink of breakdown. Have I stressed this clearly enough? Good, I thought so...without further hoopla the LOKP one liners are:

• "I KNOW"
• "PROBABLY SO"
• "THAT COULD BE"
• "I DON'T KNOW"
• "NICE TRY"

These responses allow you to keep your sanity no matter what your child is choosing to do. When your child is pushing your button (and all parents have one) you can either choose to enter in a debate with them or a screaming contest...asserting your "control" as the parent (because I'm the parent and I said so!) or you can remain calm and respond to them using these simple one liners.

Danny writes in LOKP, "the day your child discovers that disrespect, dishonor and irresponsible behavior doesn't control your emotional state, they will quit using them." I can testify this statement is TRUE!

I have employed the use of the one liners sporadically since reading the book. Since attending the workshop I have used them more consistently. My girls are already on to them! When they realize you aren't going to enter into their emotional mess they give up!

An example of a conversation using the one liners might go like this.

Child: "My life is ruined!" (said through tears)

Parent: "That could be." (said with complete calm)

Child: "What? Are you crazy? You're agreeing that my life is ruined?"

Parent: "Probably so."

Child: "No body has a life as awful as mine!"

Parent: "I know."

Child: "What? You know! Why aren't you giving me a lecture right now?"

Parent: "I don't know."

Child: "Whatever!" (stomps off to room out of frustration and failure to push your button)

See how it works? Trust me, it's that simple. Confession time...I have looked forward to opportunities to use the one liners...it's so much fun! I'm probably not going to have to use them much longer. They are already giving up on trying to push my button because I have consistently responded with these and maintained my self-control...which incidentally is teaching them what it looks like to maintain theirs.

Unfortunately, it's not always looked this way at our house. There have been times I was so ignited by their rebellion, manipulation or disrespect that after yelling back at them and issuing all sorts of consequences/punishments I would have to remove myself to my bedroom where I would be so enraged I would hit my mattress. I am not an overall angry person, but I have my limits:) I realized after reading LOKP I was exuding behavior no different than theirs! As parents we are the ones modeling to them self-control, honor and respect! How can we expect our children to give out more respect than they see us exhibit? OUCH!

I encourage you to try the one-liners this week. I would love to hear how they work for you. Share your stories in the comments section. Testifying how it works for you might be the encouragement someone reading this needs to hear!

In the next post we will discuss more LOKP language and answer the question you've all been dying to ask....WHAT ABOUT SPANKING?

Basking in peace, exercising self-control and training my children to manage their freedom really does make my soul sing!

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part Three

In the last post we took a little detour. I discussed how we must first learn to receive the Father's love before we can give it away to our children and others in our lives. Long before I read the book "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" (LOKP) I had come to realize to be the best parent I could be I would need to address issues in my heart. My focus went from how I could "fix"my girls (and for that matter, my husband:) into addressing wounded areas of MY heart. Until I could receive the Father's love I would not be able to love others unconditionally.


I believe our God is so big we could walk in a new level of understanding of His love everyday for the rest of our lives and still not fully grasp how great His love for us until we see Him face to face. I love the quote, "if we could fully understand and explain God He wouldn't be big enough for us to worship."

I now embrace the Father's love for me. Each day I grow in the knowledge and experience of His love. I have broken agreement with the lies the enemy whispered into my ear saying I was unworthy and not good enough. With the help of Holy Spirit I have replaced thoughts of self-hatred and self-rejection with His thoughts of me, taking every thought captive in obedience to Christ (II Corinthians 10:5.) Because, trust me, the negative thoughts try at times to come back and many times I entertain them awhile before casting them down.


When Jesus was speaking to the disciples about the promise of the Holy Spirit He said in John 14:15 "If you love Me, you will keep My commandments." Danny Silk in his LOKP workshop said something to this effect, "We will see the strength of our love in the connection that we live through." This is true of our relationship with Father God and walking out life and it's also true in a parent/child relationship.


So if you've been wondering where to start with loving your kid on purpose this is where I suggest you start...work to restore and reconcile broken connections with them. Our goal as parents should be to protect and preserve the relationship. Are we communicating unconditional love to our children? Unconditional love means nothing can separate you from my love.


I personally found my relationship with my teenager needed more reconciliation than my relationship with my 10 year old did. Teens naturally start to pull away from us in order to discover who they are. At first my efforts to "woo" were not received by her. Just as Christ woos us sometimes for years before we accept His love. He never gives up and neither should we. She eventually accepted my pursuit of her (because love is irresistible) and our relationship has gotten stronger.


In order to love our children, and anyone in our lives for that matter, it is essential to discover what their love language is. Gary Chapman developed the Five Love Languages and has written several books about them.

The 5 love languages are Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch. There are tests available online that will help in determining your love language. But a simple way to discover your child's language(s) is to simply ask them, "how do you know mama loves you?" When I did this when my girls were younger their response quickly indicated their love language to me and I've tried to speak it ever since.


It's almost guaranteed a person with a low or empty love tank will experience more behavioral issues. Remember our focus is to protect the heart to heart connection with our child. When having to address difficult issues or confront your child with an area of sin it is vital that their love tank be full because by confrontation or correction you will be taking a massive withdrawal from it.


When I first heard this taught I realized I had been taking huge withdrawals and rarely making deposits....and, as if that wasn't bad enough, I had withheld love when things weren't going my way.


You could also look at this in the context of other relationships you have. How do you feel when someone you don't have a very strong relationship with confronts you with something you have done wrong? Do you receive it well or do you take offense? What about your spouse? When life gets hectic and you feel less connected to your spouse and something negative is said...how does it feel?

If my love tank isn't full I feel empty inside. One of my love languages is words of affirmation, so negative words effect me greatly...especially if I don't feel connected (heart to heart) to the person speaking them. A heart to heart connection values the person and correction can be done out of love.

My challenge to you would be to make an effort to love those around you by speaking their language...so next time you need to make a "withdrawal" it won't bring as much separation in your relationship. Purposing to make more deposits than withdrawals into their love tanks would be an excellent goal. Now, if only we could make more deposits than withdrawals in our actual bank accounts:)

Learning to protect my heart to heart connections with my spouse, children and friends makes my soul sing!

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part Two

If you read my previous post on Parenting you probably have a list of questions. I will continue to share my journey to "Loving on Purpose" hopefully answering some of those questions. I also encourage you to take your questions to Jesus. He loves to answer your questions...and He knows ALL the answers:)


Let's start by looking again at one of our key scriptures. You might want to commit this one to memory.


I John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."


Punishment does NOT teach love, it teaches self-preservation. In the book (LOKP) Danny uses the illustration of speeding down the highway. You see a police car and all of sudden slow down and start praying you don't get pulled over....then a car behind you continues to speed and flies by you because they didn't see the cop. The police then turns on their lights and goes chasing the other car and you think to yourself, "yeah, go get him, deserves 'um right for driving so fast." Does the fact you could have been pulled over prevent you from speeding in the future? No. What emotion do you experience when you realize you're about to get caught in this situation? Self-preservation? Probably so.

Let's define punishment. According to dictionary.com punishment is the act of punishing, being punished, as for an offense or fault. A penalty inflicted for an offense, fault, etc., severe handling or treatment.

God does not punish, He disciplines...big difference. Vine's dictionary defines discipline as saving the mind, primarily, an admonishing or calling to soundness of mind or to self-control. Sounds like managing freedom to me, by the fruit of the Spirit, self-control. Jesus fulfilled the need for punishment by His death on the cross. He took our punishment for us!

God also corrects, but He does so from a relationship with the Holy Spirit within us. We will address correction and rebuke in a later post. It is always to be done from a securely connected place of relationship, so it builds up, not tears down. Remember God is the Redeemer and Restorer. He is in the business of putting things back together, not tearing them apart.


Unfortunately many of us have walked through our Christian life believing God punishes us. Until we realize God is good, we can not grasp just how much He loves us. If you follow the life of Jesus in the gospels you will see just how loving He is. Jesus said, "if you've seen Me, you've seen My Father." Not once did Jesus punish someone for their sin. The woman caught in adultery in John 8 is a perfect example of how Jesus reacted to sin.


Remember in processing this concept keep in mind your relationship to Father God and how He handles your sin. He isn't in the business of controlling us to keep us from sin. Remember there were two trees in the garden, we have a choice. He certainly isn't afraid of our sin either. Does sin have consequences? Always...if not immediately, then eventually. Freedom allows us to build our own prison...yeah, think about that one!


Does this mean I allow my children to run rampant? No. As a parent we are there to train them in managing their freedom and it can start as early as toddlerhood! Healthy boundaries are good, you would never knowingly expose your child to danger. If you want to know more about this I recommend reading the book, which is available on Amazon.com.


How do we teach them to manage freedom? First, we let them make mistakes. Then we empower them to find a solution to their problem. Empowering them to be problem solvers is a life skill which will prove invaluable to them as adults. It also allows them to feel the consequences of their poor choice. When we swoop in and clean up their messes all they learn is co-dependence. I say co-dependence because it has been my observation that parents who are always fixing things for their children also find identity in it. They might complain about having to do it, but secretly they wouldn't have it any other way, because it gives them purpose. To suggest to them to allow their children to fall flat on their face is insulting and perceived by them as unloving.


I have certainly cleaned up my share of messes for my girls, not so much out of co-dependence, but guilt. I would feel guilty if I didn't fill the role of "rescuer." I also felt it made me a bad mother if I didn't....and, in all honesty, sometimes it's just easier to clean it up myself. In truth I am robbing my girls of the opportunity to learn how to problem solve...and, by taking the easy way out, I'm guilty of laziness. There's my confession for this post...of course, you knew there would be one:)


Have you ever felt like you were walking a tightrope when it comes to keeping the "rules?" I certainly have most of my life. Then I realized how far and how wide God's grace to us extends. Then I came into an even greater revelation of His love. I realized God loves me as much as He loves His Son, Jesus (John 17:23) isn't that amazing? It was then I found myself wanting to live a life honoring to Him, because it is His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4), not the fear of punishment!!!! If we are being motivated by the fear of punishment it's a sure sign we haven't allowed His love to penetrate our hearts!


Once I realized these truths, I not only felt the love of God, I was freed from many habitual sin patterns I had failed to overcome by keeping the "rules." Then I allowed God to teach me about managing my freedom. Honestly I have walked in great victory since...not perfection, not without sin, but victorious and consistently moving forward! Realizing you are no longer a slave to sin will enable you to walk with your head held high in confidence of His great love for you.

Are you ready to get off the tightrope of life? Are you ready to allow your children to come off the tightrope you've forced them to walk? I am!

Until our next post remember the best way to gage if you are parenting from the new covenant is to continuously look to Father God's model of parenting you. He is the perfect parent.

I am hoping to hear my children testify one day, "I knew the heart of Father God, because it was modeled to me by my parents." "If you've seen me, you've seen My Father." Can our children say that about us? Do we represent our Father well? By the power of the Holy Spirit within me, I can and this is why my soul sings!

Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part One

This will be part one of several posts. These posts will be focused on parenting, but ultimately this method can be applied to all relationships, not just parent/child because it is based on kingdom relationship principles.


Russell and I had the privilege of attending a Loving Our Kids on Purpose workshop this past weekend. I had previously devoured the book, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk and had even put into practice some of the techniques explained in the book. You can check out the Loving On Purpose website. LOKP is parenting from the new covenant. Danny has incorporated concepts from Love and Logic with Biblical principles. Love and Logic was originally designed for foster parents and has become a popular approach for traditional families.

The new covenant deals with us (believers) from the inside out, through the Holy Spirit. The old covenant goal was about keeping the law. Between the old and new covenant the goal changed from obedience and compliance to protecting an intimate relationship through a love connection.


Most parenting models today (even more so in Christian homes) view successful parenting as producing compliant, obedient, respectful children who make good grades in school and stay out of trouble. I am now seeing we have completely missed the point.


Let's get a little personal...I have parented from the old covenant up until this point. I also have parented from fear...absolute fear of my girls making the same mistakes I made. I made some really poor choices as a teenager. As a mom I certainly want better for my girls...so, what did I do? I tried to control them as much as possible into making the choices I thought were best for them. My control took away their right to freedom. II Corinthians 3:17 says, "where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." One of our parenting goals is to teach our children how to manage their freedom. We will discuss this in a future post.


I realized after reading LOKP our job as parents is to love, train, equip and encourage our children....not to control them to look like us...OUCH! I was motivated by fear and therefore needed to control, which was only teaching them to yield to my control out of their fear of me.


II Timothy 1:7 tells us God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but love, power and self-discipline.


I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."


Love and fear are mortal enemies. Love and fear can not live in the same place. They displace each other. Think on these truths for a moment....I'll wait....


What do you fear when it comes to parenting? My answer would be my children making poor choices that might hurt them and...this is really hard to admit...I fear they will embarrass me with poor behavior. Is how they act, dress, talk, etc. a reflection of me as a parent....the answer is NO...but society and especially the church has told us a different story.


Okay, if you're having a hard time digesting the last statement let me help you a little. Do you think God is a good parent? If we are reflections of His parenting style how do you think we reflect Him? How did Adam and Eve reflect Him? Granted, sometimes we are a good reflection of Him...but many times we are not. Does this make God a bad parent? Of course not! How would unbelievers answer that question about us? Sadly many of them think we are hypocrites and have written off our God because of how we have poorly represented Him. We have done a poor job of managing our freedom, huh?


The bottom line is we do not control our children, just as God doesn't control us. There were and are two trees in the garden. We have free will. Our children's choices are just that, their choices. When we take on the burden of taking responsibility for their poor choices we are only enabling them to continue making them.


What have I learned this far?

1. I can not fear my children making poor choices.

2. I am to parent from a love relationship, not a dictatorial one.

3. My children's behavior and poor choices do not reflect on me as a parent in God's eyes (although it probably does in the eyes of man, but I desire to please God, not man.)

4. For the benefit of my girls I have to lay down the need to look like the perfect parent to others. Accepting the fact my girls and I will fail at times. How we choose to respond to those failures is the reflection of who we are and Whose we are.

If you are interested in exploring parenting from the new covenant I suggest you pray about what I've written so far. I know you probably have many questions...I sure did. I invite you to explore the LOKP website. There are Q & A forums on there. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I will either answer them or tell you if I don't have the answer:) One of my first questions was, "but what about spanking?" We will address this! LOKP is not anti spanking, but the perspective is quite different than the one I previously held.

A question I use to gage rather or not I'm parenting from the old or new covenant is this, "How would Father God respond to this issue?" This question has helped me numerous times check my heart and sometimes it has meant me going to my girls and saying I'm sorry for my reaction to them and their behavior. Their response has been amazing! My 13 yr. old and I have a better relationship than we have ever had. She is talking to me and sharing her heart with me like never before!

Undergoing this paradigm shift in the parenting department has been an easier concept to grasp in my mind than it has in real life. It's hard to change your way of doing things, but with God it isn't impossible...and it's also NEVER too late! Just another way I have experienced the redemptive nature of my Daddy and this is why my soul sings!