Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part Five

In the last post we learned how to use LOKP one liners. Danny Silk teaches many different methods in his book and in the DVD teaching series we will use in our workshop on March 20th. I am not going to cover all of them...again, I encourage you to either purchase the book and/or, if possible, attend the workshop. The workshop will be invaluable in explaining these new parenting methods by using real life illustrations. Again, my blog posts are just highlights from the tools taught in the many LOKP resources. To see the LOKP language illustrated in comic strip style click here . Exploring these resources will strengthen your understanding of the loving on purpose method.

I do want to highlight one more LOKP technique before wrapping up this series. This technique is called "Fun or Room." Fun or Room takes the concept of time out to a whole new level. Fun or Room is saying to your child, "I require something from you in the relationship."

In my opinion, "Fun or Room" works well with toddlers through early elementary(although I successfully used it when my daughter was 9.) It teaches the child there are requirements and needs of others to consider in relationship. It also teaches self-control. In other words, it is not all about them...this will be a shocking discovery for them, I know:)

Let's set up the scene: Your toddler is not happy and begins to throw a fit, complete with loud shrills to thunderous roars of rage. They plop themselves down on the floor and refuse to budge, Cheerio spittle coming from their mouth...they are mad and they want their way! As a parent you can either concede to their demands, lose your temper or spank their bottoms until they burn (producing more shrills) or you can peacefully put them in their room until they can be "fun to be with."

The last option allows them time to consider the consequences of their behavior, gives them a choice and your blood pressure remains at a healthy level:) Win, win for all. How do we implement "fun or room?"

• Child: Throwing tantrum
• Parent: "Fun or room?" If the child continues to scream you take this as their decision and tell them to go to their room and remain there until they can be "fun to be with."
• Child: Refuses to go to room of their own accord.
• Parent: Pick up child and place them in their room. If the child comes out, put them back in, explaining each time (in a calm voice) they can come out when they are ready to be "fun to be with."

If you consistently apply this method your child (because they are little geniuses) will realize it is much better to be "fun" than to spend time alone in their room. They will also see their choice in the situation. Danny gives testimony of children deciding for themselves they need "room time," placing themselves in their room until they can maintain self-control.

I love this method and have used it a couple of times with my younger daughter. After giving her the choice of "fun" or "room" she has chosen room. While she went to her room to work out her emotions, I was able to maintain peace and go about my day without entering into a debate contest with her. Just in case you haven't realized it yet, reasoning with children does NOT work! Presenting your case like an attorney, no matter how airtight it is, will NOT work with your child! Trust me, I've tried it:)

When your child decides they are ready to be fun, they are able to rejoin the family without mention of their earlier behavior. "Fun or room" is just another way of teaching them responsibility for their behavior and presenting them with choices which empower them to succeed both now and later in life.

Now, on to the subject of SPANKING! How many of you would admit this has been the question on your mind from the beginning of this series? I will admit when I read the book it was at the top of my list of questions. I thought to myself, "what about spare the rod, spoil the child?" This phrase has wrongly be associated with Proverbs 13:24 which says, "Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them."

Confession time...typing this makes me cringe...I actually would read this scripture to my older daughter before spanking her when she was younger. In an angry voice I would say to her, "Mommy is spanking you because it is what Jesus says to do if I love you." Isn't that just super...I misrepresented Jesus to her at an early age and this is a form of spiritual abuse. Did you know in all the gospels there isn't one instance of Jesus laying a finger on anyone? Even when He displayed righteous anger as He turned over the tables in front of the temple He never struck anyone...interesting...and something you don't often hear taught in traditional churches. If you have an image of an angry Jesus, or Father God for that matter, squashing people like grapes with His wrath I urge you to reconsider. Jesus said, "let the little children come to Me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."(Matthew 19:14)

This is an area where we could get into a theological debate and I stated at this blogs beginning I would not get into doctrinal debates. If this issue is of importance to you I encourage you to research it. I did for myself. I discovered Bible scholars differ on their interpretation of "the rod" and "a rod" when used in scripture. If you hang around My Soul Sings often you will hear me urge you to let the Holy Spirit be your ultimate Teacher. (In fact, I plan to write on this topic soon.) After I researched the Biblical meaning of rod I took my findings to the Holy Spirit in prayer. My conclusion coincides with the teaching found in LOKP.

Is spanking wrong? No. Is spanking the primary means of discipline? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Are there incidents where spanking is the most appropriate means of discipline? Yes.

I don't know your stance on the issue of spanking, but I can honestly say there is NOT one time my husband or I have spanked that is has been done without anger in our heart. When we have spanked in the past it has been done out of anger and frustration, out of our desire to prove we were in control. I can tell you one thing for sure this is not a Biblical form of spanking...this is not righteous anger, but just plain ugly anger...sinful anger. Anger I have since repented of. Fortunately for our girls spanking is not a method we have used often, nor have we used it once since discovering LOKP. LOKP has presented us with so many alternatives that are teaching our children valuable life lessons, spanking has not been necessary.

I love how Danny described the tool of spanking in the workshop we attended. He said, "spanking is a very small tool in a very large tool box." When spanking is employed it is to be done so out of love. It is to help them gain self-control, not as a means to control them by using fear. Remember our key verse? I John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."

For those of you thinking to yourselves, "my mama and daddy whipped my butt and I turned out just fine. It's what is wrong with kids today, they need to be whipped too!" Yes, we did turn out okay (most of us)...but I believe there is an even better way, a Kingdom of God way. In our final post I will talk about this "way" and why I feel it is far superior to all other models. Kingdom parenting is parenting from heaven's perspective..."on earth as it is in heaven" and, sweet Jesus, this makes my soul sing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!