Parenting and Loving Every Minute of It! Part One

This will be part one of several posts. These posts will be focused on parenting, but ultimately this method can be applied to all relationships, not just parent/child because it is based on kingdom relationship principles.


Russell and I had the privilege of attending a Loving Our Kids on Purpose workshop this past weekend. I had previously devoured the book, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" by Danny Silk and had even put into practice some of the techniques explained in the book. You can check out the Loving On Purpose website. LOKP is parenting from the new covenant. Danny has incorporated concepts from Love and Logic with Biblical principles. Love and Logic was originally designed for foster parents and has become a popular approach for traditional families.

The new covenant deals with us (believers) from the inside out, through the Holy Spirit. The old covenant goal was about keeping the law. Between the old and new covenant the goal changed from obedience and compliance to protecting an intimate relationship through a love connection.


Most parenting models today (even more so in Christian homes) view successful parenting as producing compliant, obedient, respectful children who make good grades in school and stay out of trouble. I am now seeing we have completely missed the point.


Let's get a little personal...I have parented from the old covenant up until this point. I also have parented from fear...absolute fear of my girls making the same mistakes I made. I made some really poor choices as a teenager. As a mom I certainly want better for my girls...so, what did I do? I tried to control them as much as possible into making the choices I thought were best for them. My control took away their right to freedom. II Corinthians 3:17 says, "where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom." One of our parenting goals is to teach our children how to manage their freedom. We will discuss this in a future post.


I realized after reading LOKP our job as parents is to love, train, equip and encourage our children....not to control them to look like us...OUCH! I was motivated by fear and therefore needed to control, which was only teaching them to yield to my control out of their fear of me.


II Timothy 1:7 tells us God didn't give us a spirit of fear, but love, power and self-discipline.


I John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."


Love and fear are mortal enemies. Love and fear can not live in the same place. They displace each other. Think on these truths for a moment....I'll wait....


What do you fear when it comes to parenting? My answer would be my children making poor choices that might hurt them and...this is really hard to admit...I fear they will embarrass me with poor behavior. Is how they act, dress, talk, etc. a reflection of me as a parent....the answer is NO...but society and especially the church has told us a different story.


Okay, if you're having a hard time digesting the last statement let me help you a little. Do you think God is a good parent? If we are reflections of His parenting style how do you think we reflect Him? How did Adam and Eve reflect Him? Granted, sometimes we are a good reflection of Him...but many times we are not. Does this make God a bad parent? Of course not! How would unbelievers answer that question about us? Sadly many of them think we are hypocrites and have written off our God because of how we have poorly represented Him. We have done a poor job of managing our freedom, huh?


The bottom line is we do not control our children, just as God doesn't control us. There were and are two trees in the garden. We have free will. Our children's choices are just that, their choices. When we take on the burden of taking responsibility for their poor choices we are only enabling them to continue making them.


What have I learned this far?

1. I can not fear my children making poor choices.

2. I am to parent from a love relationship, not a dictatorial one.

3. My children's behavior and poor choices do not reflect on me as a parent in God's eyes (although it probably does in the eyes of man, but I desire to please God, not man.)

4. For the benefit of my girls I have to lay down the need to look like the perfect parent to others. Accepting the fact my girls and I will fail at times. How we choose to respond to those failures is the reflection of who we are and Whose we are.

If you are interested in exploring parenting from the new covenant I suggest you pray about what I've written so far. I know you probably have many questions...I sure did. I invite you to explore the LOKP website. There are Q & A forums on there. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have. I will either answer them or tell you if I don't have the answer:) One of my first questions was, "but what about spanking?" We will address this! LOKP is not anti spanking, but the perspective is quite different than the one I previously held.

A question I use to gage rather or not I'm parenting from the old or new covenant is this, "How would Father God respond to this issue?" This question has helped me numerous times check my heart and sometimes it has meant me going to my girls and saying I'm sorry for my reaction to them and their behavior. Their response has been amazing! My 13 yr. old and I have a better relationship than we have ever had. She is talking to me and sharing her heart with me like never before!

Undergoing this paradigm shift in the parenting department has been an easier concept to grasp in my mind than it has in real life. It's hard to change your way of doing things, but with God it isn't impossible...and it's also NEVER too late! Just another way I have experienced the redemptive nature of my Daddy and this is why my soul sings!