Breaking Agreement with Perfectionism

"I don't try to make things perfect, because not much is perfect...well, really nothing is perfect." Juliana (age 10)

This past weekend I had an opportunity to spend some time with my younger daughter, Juliana, making cards using rubber stamps. It was a sweet time with her, doing an activity we both enjoy.

For those who are wondering what "stamping" is basically it is akin to scrap booking. You cut paper, select colors, designs and put them together to create something unique...and on this day it was cards we were making.

Now prior to this I have always cut Juliana's paper for her, after all the cutter is very sharp. Since I was working on my own projects and I was close at hand I told her she could cut her own paper. She perked up at this because it is something she has wanted to do and the fact I was trusting her with the responsibility really empowered her...she was beaming.

While in her happy place she was very chatty. She was completing two cards to my one...proudly showing each of them to me wanting my approval of her masterpieces. Which brings me to the quote in reference.

She held up one card and one piece had been cut slightly crooked. She pointed it out to me very matter of factly, not at all upset about it. I replied, "it's okay, it doesn't need to be perfect." To which she replied, "I don't try to make things perfect, because not much is perfect...well, really nothing is perfect."

A profound and wise statement coming from a ten year old. It went straight to my heart and brought a smile to my face. She has no idea how refreshing and encouraging this comment was to me...and maybe you too are wondering...allow me to explain.

My second post on My Soul Sings was titled, "Performer No More." I shared with you my struggle with performance for most of my life and how the Lord had delivered me from such bondage.

Performance has a cousin...her (not gender specific, but since I'm a girl...go with me here;) name is Perfectionism. They are cousins, but also really good friends, of the co-dependent kind, and they are most always found together.

Perfectionism can look good on the outside. She also can make you look good. While aiming to make everyone happy with your performance she comes alongside and shows up and shows off. People come to you when they need a job done with accuracy and excellence and perfectionism usually comes through for you.

But...along with perfectionism comes self-analysis and self-criticism...always setting the bar unattainably high. Once you feel you have obtained it, you have to raise it even higher...eventually setting yourself up for failure because you're constantly measuring yourself, never feeling you make the mark.

And...it doesn't stop there. Since you strive for perfection you also put the expectation on others to do things "perfectly." Of course, you don't meet your expectations, why would they? Depending on the scope of the relationship you have with them they may or may not feel this pressure from you. I can guarantee you if they live with you, they know it, they feel it and quite possibly they are drowning underneath the weight of it. Wow, I'm exhausted just re-reading what I just wrote...but that's not all, shall we continue?

As a perfectionist I expected my husband and my daughters to be perfect. My older daughter was struggling immensely from my remarks, criticisms and the unspoken expectation for her to rise and meet my demands. In a weeks worth of school work I would point out the one "C" and not even mention the ten "A's."

Under such pressure she was destined to fail. It didn't matter how "good" she was I would find a flaw. I was really good at finding flaws in myself and even better at pointing them out in other people.

During this process she began to struggle in school. She had several physical issues rooted in stress and anxiety. In order to honor her I will not go into the details of all she went through...just trust me, it wasn't good.

I don't remember exactly the turning point for me, but I realized what was manifesting in her life was the result of all the negative seeds I had sown into her. In my quest to help her I was forced to look into the mirror and what I saw was ugly, real ugly...did I say it was ugly, I meant UGLY!

I'm a big girl and I can admit this to you...but only because I received healing from the Lord. He enveloped me in His forgiveness, grace, love and restoration. I allowed Him to speak to my heart. He opened my eyes to the pattern in place. I was faced with a decision and for the sake of my daughters and my marriage I decided enough was enough.

I willingly, although with fear and trembling, allowed the Lord to take me to the "woodshed" where He lovingly and gently began the pruning process. It was not easy, but I'm here to testify to you today the fruit on this side is sweet and plentiful.

I often tell people when I am sharing my story that my girls had two different moms. Thankfully, they both didn't pay the price. Juliana was preschool age when my journey to freedom began and by the time she was in school I was freed from imposing upon my children the need for perfection. While the process wasn't yet complete in me; I still put unreasonable expectations on myself, I no longer placed them on my girls.

My girls are smart. They don't make straight A's and I don't expect them. The only thing I ask of them is that they give their best effort. Defining best effort can sometimes be sketchy, especially for my little free spirit, Juliana:) But all in all I want to teach them success isn't measured by perfection or performance.

So to hear those words come out of my sweet Juliana's mouth was a gift. A gift I hope to never forget receiving. The impact on my heart was so great I had to share with you.

I am on this journey in life, building my legacy. It is my prayer my children will inherit my breakthroughs. Sure, they will have struggles of their own and it is my desire for them to have faith of their own. My prayer is my ceiling will become their floors, building on the legacy I will leave them with each generation a little further along then the last. Now, that, would be just PERFECT!

As with anything I share it is in hope of it bringing someone else healing or, at the very least, hope of their own. You will hear me say time and time again God is a God of restoration. He not only can heal the brokenness, He can redeem the years the locust have eaten. In heaven's economy it's payback with interest and we are the payee!

The day I broke agreement with the spirit of perfectionism was a spiritual milemarker in my life. If you struggle in this area and would like to talk about getting free from it, I would love to share with you how.

Doing things as unto the Lord and not unto a spirit of perfectionism really, really, really, really, really makes MY SOUL SING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Performer No More

I grew up believing I had to be “enough.” Good enough, smart enough, strong enough, pretty enough, righteous enough, holy enough…problem is I was never enough of anything. I didn’t excel in any one area. I was smart, but not very motivated and my grades reflected this. I was not athletic. I wasn’t musical. I wasn’t happy with my body, my hair, my clothes…the outside package in my opinion wasn’t anything extraordinary. So, in a word, I guess you could say I was pretty ordinary by the world's standards. Deep down every one of us, if we were really truthful, have a desire to be extraordinary…I was no different.

For me I tried to perform my way to extraordinary. Performance driven people are all about what things look like, because if we let you see what’s beneath the perfectly done hair and makeup you might not like what you see and in turn you might not like us. Performers say yes to too many things in an effort to gain attention, respect and love. We don't feel worthy of receiving love for just being us. We feel we must meet or exceed expectations…again, it’s all about earning love by what we can do.

There are several problems with being performance driven. First, performers are people pleasers. If there is one thing I have learned it is pleasing people and pleasing God rarely go hand in hand. As a people pleaser I was putting what people thought above what God thought…and that is idolatry. Galatians 1:10 is a great reference concerning people pleasing, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

Secondly, performers rarely take time to seek God. They are too busy “doing” to just “be still and know” (Psalm 46:10.) I love the saying ”God made us human beings, not human doings.” Being aware of my place in God’s presence was something I was very unfamiliar with. Maybe you are reading this and realize you are a performer and the presence of God isn’t a place you are comfortable being or even familiar with…that’s okay, we’ll get there.

I absolutely love the story of Mary and Martha found in Luke 10:38-41. Perhaps it will be the topic of a blog post in the near future. But for now read it and ask yourself, are you a Mary or a Martha? I was once a self imposed Martha when my soul longed to sit at the feet of my Savior like Mary.

I don’t recall the time or place I had the revelation I was a people pleaser…I’m just glad I had it! Many times when I am ministering to other woman and people pleasing/performance has been uncovered it comes as a big surprise. Much of the time they don’t even realize it was there. Pleasing others and performance had become such a way of life for them it is all they knew.

One thing is for certain, God does not require us to perform or please our way to Him. Many would say they believe in salvation by grace and not by works, but how they are living contradicts this belief…that sure would have described me!

Praise God I have been loosed from the chains of performance.  Living in His presence is where I put my focus.  And the good news is…it is what He wants from me too! I was made to please God and it isn’t about what I DO for Him! Serving God comes out of the overflow of the time I spend with Him…not the other way around.

Are you tired of performing? Freedom from performance and people pleasing is something I love to share with others. I look forward to sharing more about it with you here on this blog.

I am a performer no more and this is why my soul sings…